Our Little Lady has been making huge progress over the last week or two and I'm just in awe of her. I think of the other 7 year old girls I know and I can't imagine one of them going to live with a completely different family, adapting to their lifestyle and their rules, discovering a different identity to accompany that family, and expecting her to have fun while she's with them. It blows my mind that not only does LL seem more comfortable and adjusted to our routines and our family, but sometimes she actually appears to be enjoying herself.
It's hard to feel like we're actually making any progress when it feels like we're constantly working on one, two, or TEN action steps at all times. But then she'll do something extraordinary that causes us to stop and honor the progress she's made and that which we've made. Not that we want to praise ourselves or give ourselves a pat on the back, but it's important (for our health and for our sanity) to know when we're taking the right steps to help her; one step at a time. Even more than that, though, she needs to know that we recognize her hard work and she needs to be praised often, loudly, and publicly when she makes the right choice so she knows when she's doing the right thing.
For example, this morning LL found a wallet on the ground on our way inside the church. The little girl who we knew 7 weeks ago would've happily belted out a tune to, "Finder Keepers, Losers Weepers...," just like most kids. But today, it was different. Today, her first inclination was to figure out who the wallet belonged to so it could be returned to its rightful owner.
We wanted to share a few thoughts with those of you who are considering fostering or fostering-to-adopt about what we think has attributed to her progress. We've come a loooooong way from where we started that first weekend with our girl, and we're convinced that these few steps have brought her to where she is today. We don't have a secret formula or anything for you...most of her progress was made by a lot of hard work - a little bit by us, but mostly by her. See, we're still expending just as much energy, time, and brain cells into working on her issues, but we realized we're using that energy in different ways now. Instead of stopping a meltdown or passing out time-ins like it's our job, we're now spending (just as much) time helping her become more aware of her choices and how they impact people around her.
As I said, this is nothing new - these are the steps that are frequently written about in parenting books, but when you see them in action, you see that they actually work!
1. CONSISTENCY
Always. Yes, even when it's super inconvenient. Our little one pushes the envelope, just like any child would do - foster or not. We have to make the decision every minute of every day to be consistent or to let something slide. This goes for positive or negative behaviors. We have to be just as quick to praise her when she makes smart choices as we are to reprimand her for a poor choice. Our foster agency encourages us to utilize time-ins (as opposed to time-outs.) Since foster kids tend to struggle with making connections and relationships, it's important that we don't leave her by herself when she's being disciplined. We want her to know that we love her and we're always there for her, even when she's in trouble. During the time-in, we sit right next to her; we do not talk to her or make eye contact, but it's important for her to know that we are right there with her.
2. DEBRIEF
As hard as it is for our little one to communicate when she's upset, we always debrief with her after a time-in and we always include the rationale so she understands why she had a time-in. After talking through her choice, we always express how much we care about her and how important it is to us that she thinks about her choices and the impact they have - on others, and on her future-self.
3. PRAYER AND SUPPORT
We read every text, email, letter, card, and message (even when we don't have time to respond.) Your love, prayers, and support are our lifeline. I can only hope that every other foster family receives the same amount of love and support from their friends and family as we do. Thank you for helping us to recharge every day. We couldn't do this work without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
It's hard to feel like we're actually making any progress when it feels like we're constantly working on one, two, or TEN action steps at all times. But then she'll do something extraordinary that causes us to stop and honor the progress she's made and that which we've made. Not that we want to praise ourselves or give ourselves a pat on the back, but it's important (for our health and for our sanity) to know when we're taking the right steps to help her; one step at a time. Even more than that, though, she needs to know that we recognize her hard work and she needs to be praised often, loudly, and publicly when she makes the right choice so she knows when she's doing the right thing.
For example, this morning LL found a wallet on the ground on our way inside the church. The little girl who we knew 7 weeks ago would've happily belted out a tune to, "Finder Keepers, Losers Weepers...," just like most kids. But today, it was different. Today, her first inclination was to figure out who the wallet belonged to so it could be returned to its rightful owner.
We wanted to share a few thoughts with those of you who are considering fostering or fostering-to-adopt about what we think has attributed to her progress. We've come a loooooong way from where we started that first weekend with our girl, and we're convinced that these few steps have brought her to where she is today. We don't have a secret formula or anything for you...most of her progress was made by a lot of hard work - a little bit by us, but mostly by her. See, we're still expending just as much energy, time, and brain cells into working on her issues, but we realized we're using that energy in different ways now. Instead of stopping a meltdown or passing out time-ins like it's our job, we're now spending (just as much) time helping her become more aware of her choices and how they impact people around her.
As I said, this is nothing new - these are the steps that are frequently written about in parenting books, but when you see them in action, you see that they actually work!
1. CONSISTENCY
Always. Yes, even when it's super inconvenient. Our little one pushes the envelope, just like any child would do - foster or not. We have to make the decision every minute of every day to be consistent or to let something slide. This goes for positive or negative behaviors. We have to be just as quick to praise her when she makes smart choices as we are to reprimand her for a poor choice. Our foster agency encourages us to utilize time-ins (as opposed to time-outs.) Since foster kids tend to struggle with making connections and relationships, it's important that we don't leave her by herself when she's being disciplined. We want her to know that we love her and we're always there for her, even when she's in trouble. During the time-in, we sit right next to her; we do not talk to her or make eye contact, but it's important for her to know that we are right there with her.
2. DEBRIEF
As hard as it is for our little one to communicate when she's upset, we always debrief with her after a time-in and we always include the rationale so she understands why she had a time-in. After talking through her choice, we always express how much we care about her and how important it is to us that she thinks about her choices and the impact they have - on others, and on her future-self.
3. PRAYER AND SUPPORT
We read every text, email, letter, card, and message (even when we don't have time to respond.) Your love, prayers, and support are our lifeline. I can only hope that every other foster family receives the same amount of love and support from their friends and family as we do. Thank you for helping us to recharge every day. We couldn't do this work without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
LL's quotes:
- "When I grow up, I'm gonna get a pink truck and the only things I'll keep in it are a saddle, a rope, boots, and groceries. That's it."
- "My real birthday is 24 hours long and my half birthday is 23 hours long."
- (Playing Connect 4) "You're red and I'm yellow because gold is the color of Jesus' sidewalk in heaven."
- "Oh, you've got a problem. My mom said I'm getting highlights when I'm 12. So, I'm gonna need to wash my hair so it doesn't turn green."
- LL: "How long have I been here?" Bry: "7 weeks." LL: "It feels more like 7 months."
Lunch at Pie Five with J, C, and my Beanie Baby!
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About Us:
We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day.
About Us:
We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day.
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