There's still hope

I wonder what was going through our Little Lady's mind when she came home to the CPS case worker and her therapist sitting in our dining room. She's not used to seeing more than one case worker at our house at a time, so I'm sure she was curious as to what was going on.

Bry and I talked to them privately for a few minutes to make a game plan. We stalled for as long as we could until they finally asked us to bring her downstairs. We reluctantly called her down to deliver the news we'd been dreading since mid-May.

The CPS case worker was the first to speak up. She was very straightforward and to the point, which we appreciated, and told LL that she'd be moving to her grandma and grandpa's house before the end of the month. Before she had even finished the sentence, LL excitedly asked, "WHEN???"

Her second reaction was to look deeply into our eyes, as if to say, should I smile? Am I allowed to be happy?, searching for our validation. We mustered up the best fake smiles we could and thankfully, she bought it. She began to tell us story after story of the wonderful things she experienced with her family when she lived with them in the country.

We knew she'd be excited, but I wasn't prepared for giddiness. It was verging on jubilee. That's like 5 steps above happy. I quietly, selfishly, longed for her to show even an ounce of hesitation. Her therapist asked her if there was anything she'd miss about our time together, and I'm sure you've guessed her answer...Lucy.

I knew she needed processing time and that there'd be no way she'd be able to express such big feelings in her little heart with only 10 minutes notice that everything she's known for the last 5 months will now be different, again. Still, it added to our heartbreak that she didn't appear to understand how hard this would be for Bry and me.

We all talked together for a good half hour, and then the therapist sent LL back upstairs so the adults could chat for a few more minutes. She went upstairs, then came back down a few minutes later to say, "I have an important question to ask. Am I allowed to choose between this house and my grandma's house?" The four of us sat in silence, stunned by her ability to articulate such a huge question. For the second time in an hour, the CPS case worker took one for the team and responded with, "If you did have a choice, what would you decide?" Without blinking she said, "I'd go." (Ironically, this conversation happened in the middle of the therapist explaining the types of questions and behaviors we should expect to see with LL in the coming weeks.)

Ouch.

The next three hours took us on an intense roller coaster ride of emotions that ranged from this couldn't get worse to this is the most incredible day of our lives. Let me explain...

Once the case workers left and it was just us, she ran over to Lucy, made her look her in the eyes, and told her she'd be leaving in two weeks (the current estimate is between Sept. 24-30th.)

It took LL no time at all to see how far she could push the envelope. She asked to do 2-3 things that we'd never say yes to, so we explained that no matter how long she's with us, we will still have the same rules and expectations for her. She literally asked, "Why? I'm leaving in two weeks. Are we going to have any more time-ins?" Ummm, yes.

The hardest part of the night came when LL's best friend called her on my phone after dinner. We had just talked to her about how we hoped she wouldn't have any regrets and that she'd be able to tell people exactly how she feels when she feels something. Here was the perfect opportunity. We listened to her tell her story for the first time to her best friend.

LL: "--------, I have to tell you something."
BFF: "What?"
LL: "I'm leaving."
BFF: "I'm leaving, too. I'm going to San Antonio next weekend."
LL: "No, I'm leaving in two weeks."
BFF: "Okay. Guess what??? I'm eating a vanilla sundae with cherries!!!"
LL" "No, --------, I'm moving to my grandma's house."
BFF: "Okay. Are you not in foster care anymore?"
LL: (silence, tears beginning to fall) "Yes, I am."
BFF: "Is your mom going to be there?"
LL: "No, she might visit, but I just don't know yet."
BFF: "Well, you'll be able to see her. Oh and when Mr. Brian and Ms. Julie take you there and I visit my grandpa, I can see you."
LL: "No, you don't understand. They're not coming. I'm leaving in two weeks. I'm not going to see you anymore."

At this point, LL handed me the phone and I tried my best to explain to her BFF in 7-year-old terms what's going on in LL's life, and then I tried to explain to LL why it's hard for kids to understand what she's going through.

We all cried together for a while and we told LL that the same way she loves and she'll miss her BFF, that's exactly how we feel about her, except a million times more. For the first time tonight, it seemed like she understood 10% of the intense sadness we've been feeling for her.

Bry dropped us off at home and he went to get a few groceries. LL, Lucy and I played in the backyard for a while. LL was running, and jumping, and being her normal, happy self. Until the second she wasn't. Within a few seconds, she fell into my lap and yelled and cried as I rocked her on the back porch. And just like that, she popped back up and she was running and playing again. I'm pretty sure the next two weeks will be like this...each of us falling apart at different times as we learn to process all of these emotions.

Here were just a few of her comments and questions:
"The four people I'll miss the most are y'all, my counselor, and my teacher from last year."
"Why do I have to leave?"
"Can I take the hula hoop? And the bike?"
"Goodbye, spiders. I'm leaving you in two weeks."
"Why am I smiling right now?"
"Mr. Brian's feeling better today. Yeah! I can hug him now!"

After reading our Bible, saying our prayers, and giving extra long hugs, we tucked LL into bed and then tucked ourselves into our bedroom closet to call LL's grandma. Stay with me...it gets so much better from here.

Of all the events I knew would take place today, this was the moment I was most nervous about, unsure of, and greatly anticipating.

I am finding it hard to even put into words the grace and love and joy we heard come through the other side of the phone. I would say it felt like I was dreaming, but it was beyond what I had dreamed and hoped for. LL's grandma was actually saying specific phrases we'd been praying over for months. The Lord did not forget us! He had heard our prayers, and the prayers of our friends, family, and strangers who've followed our journey. Not only was she agreeing to us staying in contact with LL, she was expressing how thankful she was that God chose us to take care of her and love her over the last few months and that she wanted to keep us in contact with LL in every way possible. Having been a foster parent before, she even acknowledged how hard this must be for US, knowing that we were willing to take care of this precious child for the rest of our lives, if that were the case. Her words were oozing grace and love and it was all I could do not to fall apart. I listened to Brian breathing as we talked to her for a few minutes and I could hear that he was actually breathing. Deep sighs of relief, in and out. 

THIS. This is what it's like to have your prayers answered. 

Although God and I had different endings to this story, He was faithful and He answered the biggest prayer we had and He answered it in an incredible way. LL's grandma asked that we'd pass on any of the routines, schedules, expectations, etc. that we've been implementing so she could continue making progress in their home. By the end of the conversation, I was so in love with her that I kind of wished she was my grandma. She even mentioned FaceTime and face-to-face actual real-life visits, y'all. I'm just in AWE.

THERE IS STILL HOPE.

Just seconds before the case workers walked in the door. 

Just as they were pulling up. 

After they left. 

Her neighborhood friends came over to ask her to play just a few minutes after the case workers left. 

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About Us: 

We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day. 

Key Posts:

We are Facebook-Official!

Saying goodbye to someone I've never met

Will you get a white one?

Yup, it's gonna hurt.

Day 1 with our Little Lady

Oasis (post from Brian)

What we tried to build

Why I don't usually write (post from Brian)

Another night in the closet

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.