Since I was old enough to drag a baby doll behind me, I've dreamed of the day I would meet my own child and hold her in my arms. As I practiced feeding my dolls their plastic pizza and hamburger dinner, I would picture myself feeding my newborn child and staring at her unbelievably perfect features. I couldn't wait to meet my husband so we could wait together to meet our child.
As I grew older, I never spent more than a few seconds considering that I might never be able to have children of my own. I knew a few women who were unable to conceive, and while my heart was so heavy for them, I would (selfishly) finish each prayer with, "Wow. I'm so glad God would never do that to me, since He knows how badly I long for a family."
Well, I grew up, and I met the most amazing man that God placed so perfectly in my path. We were 18 when we met and 22 when we got married, so we were young and in no hurry to start a family. We focused on our careers and thought we were taking all the right steps...pay towards student loans, save for a house, get a puppy, go on a few vacations before we had kids...
It's hard to say goodbye to this child whom I will never kiss goodnight, never tuck in at bedtime, never teach how to ride a bike; but it's even harder, in the midst of these goodbyes and this sadness, to turn to the Lord and profess that His ways ARE better than my ways. While I know that the best day I can dream of with my family pales in comparison to what He has for me, it is still so hard to say goodbye.
Everyday is a challenge, but everyday is also a gift. I'm learning, growing, and walking closer to the Lord everyday...waiting and hoping to discover what He has in store for our family, whatever that may be.
you're really showing a remarkable and godly attitude in the face of the hardest goodbye you've had to say. i don't know many who would do the same. perhaps He planned for fostering or adoption all along. perhaps your goodbye is premature. no matter what, i'm glad you have brian in all this. i'm glad you had so many years together alone to nurture and strengthen your already brilliant relationship. i'm glad you're both on board and so excited about bringing kids into your home, lives, and hearts. i'm *pretty sure* God can bring awesome out of any pain... and i'm thrilled to watch Him do it again in your life (via this blog while i'm away) so i can praise Him with you for this goodbye-hello He's choreographing. <3
ReplyDeleteChristie-
ReplyDeleteYour words encouraged me more than you'll ever know. I'm so blessed to have you in my life! Love you!!!
I love you.
ReplyDelete-Anie
Julie,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog this past weekend. I started reading your most recent post, and I just keep going and going. Your story is exactly like mine and my husband's. I had to post after reading this entry. I have been in your shoes. I am still there some days. When I hear of someone else that is pregnant, it still hurts. It still makes my soul ache to know that I will never get to experience life growing inside of me, and all of the other things that having a biological child entails.
Brandon and I have been foster parents now for 2 years. We just adopted our little boy in February. And although I have that ache in my soul, God had a bigger, and better plan for me. My son is so perfect in every way, and has healed my heart. If we would have had a biological child, I would have never gotten Mason. God bless you both for being foster parents. It will be a long, emotional road...but hang in there...even when you don't think you can anymore, and things get tough. You can do it, and all the pain and suffering is so worth it, because of what you have given that child, no matter how long you have them. :) Blessings and peace to you guys.
Wow! Thank you so much for the encouragement, Jennifer. We know there are so many people who have traveled this road before us, but it helps to hear that it's going to be ok and the Lord will continue to bless us if we stay faithful to Him. Thank you! Congrats on your adoption - that is incredible!
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