Another night in the closet

I could hear him breathing from the bedroom door. The lights were off, so I just followed the sound of his deep breaths. Through the bedroom and the bathroom, into the closet. 

I found him sitting on the ottoman, legs stretched out, hands dangling at his sides, and the lights off. 

Deep, quiet sobs. So strong, yet quiet, so she wouldn't hear him. 

If you've never found your spouse crying in the closet like this, you are blessed. I hope you never have to experience the intense, immediate pain you'd feel deep inside of your stomach. 

Sometimes the pain cuts so deep. The unknowns are too abundant. And the unanswered questions become maddening. And when you finally do get an answer, you wish you'd never even asked the question. 

Because the dream stops and reality resumes. 

We knew this would be hard. We even wrote a blog post about it a few months ago. 

But that was before we met her. This beautiful, incredible little girl who has forever changed our lives. 

It's so much harder than I ever thought it would be. To love a child as if they were your own. To invite them into the most private places in your home, and into your heart. To listen to her tell stories about her life, and to spend so much time together that eventually, some of those stories even involve you. To pour into her and give, and love, and speak truth to her, and to dream of a life together forever...only to discover that it isn't very likely.

We cried, and sobbed, and allowed ourselves to be mad and talk about how unfair her situation is. We allowed ourselves to be selfish for a moment and think about how unfair this is for us, too. 

We picked ourselves up off the floor and went in to read with our Little Lady.  

We tried to be strong. 

We tried to read our bedtime story and say our prayers. 

We tried to get through hugs and I-love-you's without a tear or a sniffle. 

And we almost made it. Almost. 

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LL's quotes:

- "My coupons came in the mail!"

- CPS Case worker: "So...are you all ready for school to start on Monday?" LL: "I was born ready!"

- "The earth was just talking to me. It said I should stop folding my clothes and go save my dog."

All dressed up and nowhere to go. This is the outfit she picked out after her bath. I'm convinced that she thought she was going to see her mom and this is what she wanted to wear. She even had her purse on her shoulder. The sign she's holding says her name in sparkly letters and it says, "I love you. To: mom and dad." It looks wet because she sprayed it with perfume. I stopped her right before she covered every letter with lipstick because she wanted to make it look "glossy."

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About Us: 

We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day. 

Key Posts:

We are Facebook-Official!

Saying goodbye to someone I've never met

Will you get a white one?

Yup, it's gonna hurt.

Day 1 with our Little Lady

Oasis 

What we tried to build

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.