8/21/14

Another night in the closet

I could hear him breathing from the bedroom door. The lights were off, so I just followed the sound of his deep breaths. Through the bedroom and the bathroom, into the closet. 

I found him sitting on the ottoman, legs stretched out, hands dangling at his sides, and the lights off. 

Deep, quiet sobs. So strong, yet quiet, so she wouldn't hear him. 

If you've never found your spouse crying in the closet like this, you are blessed. I hope you never have to experience the intense, immediate pain you'd feel deep inside of your stomach. 

Sometimes the pain cuts so deep. The unknowns are too abundant. And the unanswered questions become maddening. And when you finally do get an answer, you wish you'd never even asked the question. 

Because the dream stops and reality resumes. 

We knew this would be hard. We even wrote a blog post about it a few months ago. 

But that was before we met her. This beautiful, incredible little girl who has forever changed our lives. 

It's so much harder than I ever thought it would be. To love a child as if they were your own. To invite them into the most private places in your home, and into your heart. To listen to her tell stories about her life, and to spend so much time together that eventually, some of those stories even involve you. To pour into her and give, and love, and speak truth to her, and to dream of a life together forever...only to discover that it isn't very likely.

We cried, and sobbed, and allowed ourselves to be mad and talk about how unfair her situation is. We allowed ourselves to be selfish for a moment and think about how unfair this is for us, too. 

We picked ourselves up off the floor and went in to read with our Little Lady.  

We tried to be strong. 

We tried to read our bedtime story and say our prayers. 

We tried to get through hugs and I-love-you's without a tear or a sniffle. 

And we almost made it. Almost

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LL's quotes:
- "My coupons came in the mail!"
- CPS Case worker: "So...are you all ready for school to start on Monday?" LL: "I was born ready!"
- "The earth was just talking to me. It said I should stop folding my clothes and go save my dog."

All dressed up and nowhere to go. This is the outfit she picked out after her bath. I'm convinced that she thought she was going to see her mom and this is what she wanted to wear. She even had her purse on her shoulder. The sign she's holding says her name in sparkly letters and it says, "I love you. To: mom and dad." It looks wet because she sprayed it with perfume. I stopped her right before she covered every letter with lipstick because she wanted to make it look "glossy."

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About Us: 

We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day. 

Key Posts:

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.

5 comments:

  1. There are so very many horror stories from kids about what they had to endure in foster care... so few stories of heart aches from the foster parents like ya'll. That's because there are so few that love so purely and deeply as you two. Both a gift and a curse. Part of me prays that she would never leave you and that ya'll and your foster journey would be done. And part of me prays God makes your home a revolving door so as many kids as possible could feel His love in the foster system and not the horror so many are right now because your home is not available. It is so hard to feel joy so greatly without also feeling the pain. Ya'll will never be out of my prayers, and I pray that whatever 'door' God choses for all of you, it will not hinder your joy and ability to love freely. This only He can do. Love ya'll so much, including you, my lil boot wearing buddy LL! Just keep stepp'n in faith. :)

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  2. I have no words, only love and prayers. I cant imagine how hard this all is.. but I do know God is usuing you in amazing ways and he will make you strong enough to get through anything he puts in front of you.. Thats so easy to say and think but with faith we have to believe it. Your family is sooooo special I can ony hope that if and when your LL thinks about you both forever she realizes the LOVE and Christlike faith you both put out to her. You both will forever (no matter the future) be a bright spot in her little world.. she may not realize it today.. but someday.. it will hit her like a brick how blessed she is/was/always will be. Love you frieds.. you continue to stay in our prayers. Just remember.. you are changing lives..in the most awesome way... Love ya

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  3. A life you have changed forever. You made a impact in a way you may never know, but Impacted.

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  4. I just tried to post a comment, but it disappeared....so if you get two from me....sorry.
    I just want you to know that I do know what you are going through. Every aspect of Foster care HURTS. We are actually saying goodbye to our 4th baby today. It never gets easier, that part. But it hurts so badly, because you have the capacity to love so deeply. Time does heal wounds. We were heartbroken when we lost our first (had him for 8 months, was told that he was adoptable...) He went home to mom. At the time, it was awful for us, because we knew that we could give him a better life!! He was our baby, we had had him since he was just a few weeks old! That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But I'm okay now. Now I can see God's plan in the situation...as much as we loved him, we wouldn't have our son!! Think of all the good you've done for her! Think of how much she's changed and matured in your care! And that is all because of you and your husband...for giving her support, and a loving, christian home, as well as an example!! I know I am just a stranger to you...but I want you to know that I am praying for you guys. Feel free to reach out to me any time. Best wishes in whatever may happen with LL.

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  5. Praying daily to Him who is able to do far greater than we could ask or imagine...

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