What we tried to build

So, I know I've been a little quiet around here over the last few days. After writing every single night for almost 100 days, I finally stopped writing for a few nights.

Let me explain.

As I read through a few posts, I realized that 90% of the last 10-15 posts I'd written felt genuine, but also a little superficial, and I felt sick of myself talking about "how fun" something was, or "how funny" something was, or "how great" something was.

I realized that I've started to cover some of my real feelings with stories of cuteness, and greatness, and happiness.  

The reason we began this blog was to document the ups and downs we experience on a day-to-day basis in foster care. When we were first thinking about becoming foster parents, we searched Mr. Google for weeks trying to find a blog that would just lay out what it was really like to be foster parents from the beginning to end of a placement (specifically of older children who can talk, think, and fight for themselves.) We couldn't find one, so we decided to create one ourselves.

As the weeks, and then months, passed, it became harder to publicly spill my guts - in front of friends, family, and strangers alike. I guess I wanted people to see all the "good" stuff that went on in our lives (who doesn't?) Not the stuff that makes being a parent harder than I ever imagined. Not the stuff that makes spouses jealous of each other and second guess every decision we make.

I wanted to share the nice, funny, sweet moments.

Not the awful ones.

Like the time LL stung me with, "You don't like kids, do you?" (I know now that this was a technique she used early on to put up a wall between the two of us.) That one was hard not to take personally. It still hurts to this day if I let myself think about it for too long.

Or all the times I've picked her up from daycare and she didn't even say hi or give me a hug, but instead asked why Bry couldn't pick her up. (I understand now that when she came to us, she had space for him in her heart...there was space reserved for a strong, fun, supportive male figure to show her love. There wasn't room for a mom. She's still trying to figure out where I belong.) I understand it, but it still hurts.

Or how about the 5,000 times LL has compared something I've done to how her mom would do it, or say it, or hear it. And I'm left screaming in my head, "If your mom was so great, why are you here?" Obviously, I'd never say anything like this to her, and I know this is perfectly normal, but it still hurts. If I was forced to live with another family when I was 7 years old, I'm sure I'd compare everything they did to the way my parents did things. And I'm sure I'd think that my parents had done everything the "right" way, no matter how wrong they were.

We don't have the privilege that bio parents do, where our child loves us unconditionally, no matter what. We've had to earn every single drop of affection, trust, or love LL has expressed to us. And we're running out of time to pour into her and to build, what we hope to be, a reciprocal, lifelong relationship.

If LL's case goes one way (and one way only), we may be able to write openly about our true emotions and experiences someday. However, we will most likely never be able to share these stories publicly.

It feels somewhat coward-ish to advertise a blog for foster-parents-to-be when we can not disclose enough information to express what it is really like to raise someone else's children.

Now I understand why it was so hard to find a blog like the one we tried to build.

LL's quotes:
- Me: "Your nose is peeling." LL: "Yup. That skin is 7 years old. It's time for something new."

56 cent night at IHOP on Tuesday night! Yes, please!

LL and I went to the mall on Wednesday night to spend some of her vacation money, but she forgot it at home, so I did a little shopping for myself instead. 

"I look regal with these lions!"

Walking down the runway in Sweet and Sassy. The sparkly shirt she's wearing seems fitting. 

After her bath last night, she came into our room like this and said, "I have some official FBI business that I'm on right now. I heard you have a dog hiding in here without a collar on. I'll need to take her in." Never a dull moment with this little one!!

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

About Us: 

We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day. 

Key Posts:

We are Facebook-Official!

Saying goodbye to someone I've never met

Will you get a white one?

Yup, it's gonna hurt.

Day 1 with our Little Lady

Oasis