Live. Love. Foster.: July 2014

Oasis

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.

7/30/14

Girls' night

As you could probably tell, I wasn't in a very good place last night.

Just to clarify, it is our Little Lady who has been putting me in second place, not my husband.

We've narrowed it down to a few reasons...the main reason being that she is unable to distribute her attention to more than one thing at a time and to more than one person at a time. When it is just the two of us, we have a great time together. When Bry shows up, however, I feel like I don't exist.

We've watched her do this with her friends, too. If there's just one friend there, she's very attentive and they play together just fine. But if there is more than one friend, she will gravitate towards the friend she prefers.

And she prefers Brian. Who wouldn't?? :)

We're planning to share our observations with her and talk to her about how we share our attention with multiple friends just like we share our toys.

I'm sure this is perfectly normal behavior, especially for kids in her situation, but it doesn't make it any easier. Please keep praying for her, and for me...that I will stay emotionally constant and work even harder to build a connection with her.

LL's quotes:

- "This is the best day ever!!!" (Said while getting a pedicure and a manicure.) :)
- "My bed was much fancier when I first got here."
- "We should come here everyd.....more often than never."

She'd wear these boots every single day if she could.

Girls' night!

Picking out our colors!

We had a blast together!

I've never seen her so relaxed and so......STILL! :)

Pedicures, slushies, tutus...in the words of our Little Lady, "This is the life!"

It's hard to see, but she has glittery pink nails and toes!

Key Posts:

Oasis

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.

7/29/14

Second place

I'm not really in a writing mood tonight. All I can say is that it is emotionally exhausting always being in second place, and I've really been struggling with that for the last few weeks. Brian can do nothing wrong and I can do nothing right. Or, at least it feels that way.

It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me.

I'm just going to keep repeating that in my head until I believe it.

LL's quotes:

- "I wish our car was a limeade popsicle."

These birthday thank you notes are almost two months late, but I promise we're mailing them soon!!!

Key Posts:

Oasis

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.

7/28/14

In case you read this someday

LL: "I have a secret diary."

Me: "I have one, too."

LL: "Can I see it?"

Me: "No, then it wouldn't be a secret, silly!"

LL: "Where is it?"

Me: "It's online." (THIS blog, which you have no knowledge of.)

LL: "Aren't you worried about people reading it? People can read anything online." (YES, I'm worried about you finding it and reading it, actually.)

I've often pictured LL stumbling across this blog when she's a teenager or an adult...someday when she's curious enough to Google our names. I've thought about what she'd think about my ramblings.

Will she be grateful that we documented it all? Will she realize how much we loved her and how we truly wanted nothing but the best for her? Will she feel violated and deceived? Will she be completely weirded out and wonder what kind of people we are that we would secretly write about our happenings each day? Will she be grateful for the pieces we can put together for her during the most tumultuous time in her life?

In the event that she does find this blog some day, I'd at least like to have a chance to explain myself. And this is my blog, so I get to make the rules, I guess. Here it goes...

To our Little Lady,

We made it through another day. Another day without your mom. And your dog. And everything else you left behind.

You've made it through 116 days in our home.

Each day has held great sorrow, pure joy, forgiveness, rage, and so many other emotions. We've been on adventures together. We've laughed so hard that food flew out of our mouths. We've cried together as we held each other tightly on the couch. We've sat next to you while you've screamed and kicked and begged to see your family. We've watched you gain confidence and self-management skills. We've watched you transform right before our eyes...the same girl who used to run up to the counter and demand a side of gravy will now wait patiently at the table and ask the waiter for something while using words like, "please," and "may I," and "thank you."

Along the way, we wrote everything down. All of it. We wanted to be able to look back and read about each moment we had with you. The good and the bad ones. We knew from the very beginning, even before we knew you, that we would fall in love with you. We also knew that if we ever had to say goodbye to you, we'd want to be able to hold on to a piece of you after you left. After your last teddy bear or t-shirt is taken from our home, after we can bring ourselves to wash your sheets and towels, and long after we run out of the last drop of milk that your hand will ever touch. We knew we'd need a way to get back to you.

This blog is our way back to you.

We've done our best to reflect on our time together each day. While it is therapeutic for me (and exhausting and heartbreaking for Mr. Brian, which is why he doesn't write that much) to write each night, this blog isn't really for us. It's our gift to you.

I hope you find love and hope and peace and joy as you flip through its "pages." I hope each story, and each memory, causes your heart to fill with happiness, or sorrow, whatever the case may be.

I hope you find Jesus here.

That's all we really want. We want you to see Jesus. His never-stopping, never giving up, always and forever love.

We love you, sweet girl.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LL's quotes:

- "I'll do your homework for you. I. can read big words like preparatory and constitution, so it'll be fine."

- "One time I was dancing like a fashionista on the couch." Ummmmmmm what???

American girl.

I didn't even ask her to do this...she was practicing her manners and preparing to order her dinner. So proud of her!!

Swings after dinner.

And the monkey bars, of course.

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/27/14

Unanswered prayers, or are they?

"I'm always angry. Just like my dad."

This quote pretty much sums up our weekend together. We've had some rough days this week. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that this was the first time in almost four months that we've had to give out consequences other than a 1-5 minute time-in.

Her choices allowed us to talk about a few things that we probably wouldn't have otherwise. Such as, it's okay to feel angry, but it isn't okay to act out in anger. It's okay to feel mad, but it isn't okay to be disrespectful to other people when we're angry.

And then we had another conversation about God answering our prayers. And what to do when it seems like he isn't answering them.

We explained that sometimes God says yes to our prayers, sometimes he says no, and sometimes he says yes, but not right now. Usually, when we have conversations like this, I wonder if she's making the connection between what we're talking about and her current situation. And usually, she's very quiet and doesn't let us in on her thoughts.

But this time, she said, "So....God wants me to be here for a while...instead of with my family?"

That wasn't an easy one to answer.

We tried to explain that God, and Brian and I, want her to be safe and taken care of. Sometimes our family members aren't able to do those things for us. Sometimes we have to live with other people who can keep us safe for a little while, or for a long while.

I find it hard to answer this question because I struggle with accepting that God's will will absolutely come to fruition in her case. Please don't read that wrong. I'm not saying that I do not trust Him completely. I'm not saying that I don't believe it's His will that she stays with us, or that she's returned to her family.

I am just saying that I'm not 100% convinced that the outcome of her case will be what HE wants for her.

We live in a messy world full of messy people who have something called "free will." There is no guarantee in her case, or in life for that matter; LL could end up living with people who might abuse her, hate her, or at the very least, set her back in the progress she's made in the last few months. If this happens to her, should I really think, "Well, I guess it was God's will for her to live with -------. It must be His will for her to be in this situation."

What I do believe is that no matter what happens, I will fervently pray that she finds her way back to Him every day. That she chooses to advocate for herself, even if no one else will. That she searches for the Lord and seeks Him with her whole heart in every situation. That she will study the life of Jesus and choose to follow Him even when no one else tells her about Him.

I know it is His will that she learns to trust and obey Him in all things and in all situations. And even when I'm unsure about her future and whether or not this is what is "supposed" to happen, I will remind myself to do these things as well.

Trust.

Obey.

Repeat.

LL's quotes:

- "When I was a baby, they put me in a nursing home and I got strong."

- Me: "You better remember us forever!" LL: "I told you I'll try, but I don't have a picture of y'all. You'll have to draw me a picture, but my dog will tear it up because it'll be on the ground because I'll have no where else to put it."

- The sign at Chuy's said No Cry Babies Allowed, so I told LL that cry babies would be kicked out. She asked the hostess and our waiter if it was true. Lucky for me, they played along. :)

- "This place is seriously fancy!" She said this while we were eating at Chuy's. We were seated in the room where hub caps cover the entire ceiling. Really fancy.

- As soon as I woke her up on Friday morning, she said, "If you're wondering what I was dreaming about all night, it was the colors of the rainbow."

- "Girls have sideburns, too. Don't even think for a second that they don't."

- "When something is cheap, little chicks say, 'Cheap cheap cheap.' Get it?"

- (While driving to church this morning) Bry: "Hey you, are you alive back there?" LL: (long pause.....) "Quack."

Waiting for our table at Chuy's.

Practicing her high kick.

LL helped me with another maternity shoot on Saturday morning. From this angle, we could see two rainbows. It was a great way to start out the shoot!

LL eyeing the ducks two seconds before she ran towards them and almost fell in the water. Parenting FAIL. It seemed like such a calm, contemplative moment. I thought it'd be safe to take a quick picture. Who knew things would change so quickly??

LL: "Where do you keep all the money?" Bank teller: "In that vault behind you." LL: "That looks way too thick for me to put an ax through it." I guess she's planning on breaking in???

Celebrating Christie's birthdays for the last 6 years while she's been traveling abroad! She made food and brought gifts for the guests from Spain at her own birthday party!

Christie and LL. Two peas in a pod, just as I had predicted! Only Christie would ask a kid, "What kind of sounds can you make with your mouth?" LL had a great time and loved meeting Christie and our college friends!

The only time she's ever allowed to use an iPad...when Mr. Matt is around. :)

Her new favorite way to get around. In this guy's arms.

Good night hugs. My view from the bottom bunk.

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/24/14

BFFs

LL got to bring her best friend to camp tonight. It was hilarious to listen to them chat it up in the back seat. They had so much fun together!

LL's quotes:

- (To her BFF) "You're doing most of the talking for me."

- LL's BFF: "My new teacher is going to have gray hair. My grandma is supposed to have gray hair, but she makes it red." LL: "They should switch hair."

- (When her BFF didn't say "please") "I've had 100 more days experience than you to practice saying 'please.'"

On our way to Camp Kmotion!

Silly girls. So glad LL has her as a friend. I hope they're friends forever, no matter what happens.

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/23/14

The Fishies

I overheard our Little Lady ask the case worker tonight, "When am I going to live at --------'s house?" She asked about the person she'd written down on the red paper a few weeks ago. She apparently has it in her mind that she is definitely going there. We talked with her before bed to reiterate that we don't know if she's going there, staying here, or going somewhere else.

I can't imagine how maddening and frustrating this must be for her at such a young age.

While most kids are consumed with packing in a few more weeks of playing outside, swimming, and video games, our little one spends her days wondering when she will be reunited with someone from her own family.

I wish we had more answers for her. All we have are "I don't know," and "I'm not sure," and "Let me check with the case worker," and "If you're still here in (insert month), we'll do (insert activity.)"

I don't know very many kids who would be so resilient and so understanding and patient as this little one.

I hope to have more answers for her soon, and for ourselves.

LL's quotes:
- "Don't judge a rock by its size, smell, or color."

It's a good thing this dog can't report us to anyone.

"Look! It's you guys. Mr. Brian has bigger eyes than you. You're husband and wife fishies!"

All the stress in the world disappears between 7:50 and 8:10 PM every night when this happens.

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/22/14

Workin' late

Today was one of those days that I saw our Little Lady for about 10 minutes before it was time to start our bedtime routine.

Working late with kids is so different than working late when you don't have them. We consider the day to be "over" around 6:30 or 6:45, when we start our nightly routine to get ready for bed. When I have to work late and I get home at like 6:25, it's hard to feel like I was able to spend any quality time with Bry and LL that day.

I'm going to do everything I can to work super hard during the day so I can be fully present and home with them by 5:30 every night. Seems like a good goal to me!

LL's quotes:

- "Can y'all work a little bit later tonight? I've got some playing to do."

- "TV was black and white when you were in college."

She's getting so tall and her hair is getting so long!

Her koala friend found a new home. She reads with us at night under the top bunk. LL put her there on her own. We thought it was adorable!

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/21/14

Great job! You kept your kids alive today!

Can someone please tell me why parents are not constantly walking up to each other and congratulating each other on simply keeping their children alive for one more day???

As I watched a mother struggle to make her way through the Target aisles with a 2 and 4 year old in tow, I realized just how hard this job is.

Keep another human alive.

That's pretty much it.

Make sure they don't choke, or get run over, or break a bone, or a vase, and bleed out.

Honestly, I used to be pretty judgemental of parents when their kids were "out of line," or "noisy," or dare I say it, annoying, disrespectful, or misbehaved. (Don't judge! I know I'm not alone!)

But now I have felt it. The days when it feels like an almost impossible job and it feels like you'll never make it to bed time. Like the day will never end. Like I've done everything wrong and nothing right.

Can we just agree that this is a tough job and that no one has completely figured it out? Can we offer more smiles, and support, and "I-know-what-you're-going-through" head nods than judgemental stares and negative comments under our breath?

What would it be like if we truly raised our children as a community and we supported each other, asked more questions, and offered more hugs?

For now, great job on keeping your kids alive for one more day!

LL's quotes:

- (Looking at exercise clothes) "This is SO me, but in exercise ways!"

- "Can we buy some wants?" Translation...I told her we needed to go shopping to buy her some more shorts, so she wanted to buy some things she "wanted," too. :)

- LL asked the Target lady, "Can I get a job here when I'm 8?"

Breakfast for dinner.

Eating on Mr. Brian's 25 year old plates.

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/20/14

The original energizer bunny

I'm fairly certain it is close to impossible to drain our Little Lady's energy tank. Bry took her on a 6 mile bike ride this afternoon. You think she'd be exhausted after that, but when she got home, she immediately became antsy and asked what activity we could do next.

She wakes up with a crazy amount of energy, first thing in the morning. (Come to think of it, this tends to only happen on weekends...how ironic.) Our weekend mornings consist of Bry and me trying to savor a few more minutes in bed before the pterodactyl-monkey runs in to jump, scream, and practice steam rolling over our bed.

We finally fixed the vacuum yesterday, so she was so excited to vacuum the stairs. I wish I had recorded the yelps, screams, and giddiness that was coming out of her mouth. If I can put it into writing, it went something like this...

Next stair!

Brush, brush, brush.

Ah! Oh! Ahhhh!!!!

Brush.

Turn.

Jump.

Next stair!!!

Ahhhh!

Eeeek!!!!

Brush, brush.

Ooooooohhhh!!!!

I love how she loves life! Can't get enough of this energizer bunny.

LL's quotes:
- "The farm eggs aren't fridgeable."

- "There's a lot of satellite electricity on my clothes."

- "I'm just a girl who likes to spit."

LL: "You guys like this look on her?"

We celebrated both of my in-laws' birthdays today. Jan made this dress for LL even though it was her birthday party!

Playing Barbies with Ms. Jan.

LL: "I checked all their underwear and most of them are real Barbies, but one of them is an imposter. And that guy? I don't know what he is. I didn't check his underwear."

At the end of the bike ride. I wish you could see her pitiful, exhausted face!

They found a cattail flower yesterday!

Key Posts:

Oasis

7/19/14

To: B. Hiss

This just in...

Parenting kids is 85% defining new vocabulary words and 15% cleaning up sticky messes.

Fair warning...sometimes those percentages are flipped.

LL's quotes:
- "I used to get my way all the time. Kids should always get their way." Yeah....soooooo, this definitely sparked a long conversation over dinner. :)

- "My care bear has a homawk." (She meant to say mohawk!)

- LL: "You have photoshoots every day." Me: "Well, not quite everyday." LL: "Yes, of me!" Well, yeah, I guess that is true.

She asked me to put her bow in her hair. I didn't tell her it didn't match cause I'm just so proud of her that she's able to pick her own clothes out. It also leaves more room for times when I do tell her what to wear. I've actually heard her say things like, "I don't really like that outfit, but I'll wear it because you hardly ever tell me what to wear," when I do mandate her wardrobe.

7:25 PM purchase boomerang and walk out to field.

7:26 PM become upset when said-boomerang does not do it's job and gets lost in the road. You had one job!

Editing, editing, editing! LL decided to take a few pics of me while I was editing.

Apparently I didn't really like that photo.

She loves taking pics with my phone and telling people she's a photographer!

She made this card for Bry.

These were the things she wanted to do today. Let me translate. "Biking. Tennis courts if we can. Velcro mit game. That's it. With love." I just love how she called him B. Hiss. :)

LL was a super awesome helper during two of my sessions today.

Love this little boy and his sweet family!

After the shoot, we made our way to Pie Five.

We've GOT to stop eating out so much! Uncle Julio's for dinner. LL was hiding her menu from us because it said, "Just for kids!"

She loves horses!

A few more random photos to end a random post. This is my super hot husband breaking a board with the side of his hand.

And this one with his elbow.

Key Posts:

Oasis