Mix Tape

A post from Brian...

Several months ago, before we knew of our Little Lady's transition to go live with her grandparents, I had played out the possibility hundreds of times in my mind, and with Julie.  I knew this would be an incredibly painful time for Julie and me, so I did what any Gen-X child of the 80s would do.

I made a mix tape.

Well, it's actually a playlist, but the important thing is that music has a way of helping you express or relate to the inert, elusive emotions that are often unable to be processed or described in times of great grief.  All I know is that there is a heaviness to my feet, a fog in my mind, and a numbness in my heart that can't be articulated using words.

As a music major, I knew that making sure I had a set of songs ready to go would be a crucial part of the healing process, so I set out to make a playlist in honor of our Little Lady.  Well, it will more be like "in memory of," since there's no guarantee that we will see her or talk to her again.  Therefore, you'll notice it's a collection of songs that give me hope, but more commonly, they are songs that help share the despair that I am currently feeling, that I will feel as we pack up her belongings and memories into moving boxes, and that I will continue to feel as she drives off and out of our lives forever.

For each song, you'll see a couple sentences explaining why I chose that song, but know that over the several hundred times I have listened to this playlist, there are incredible (and often powerfully conflicting) emotions that escape my ability to articulate.

For those of you that subscribe to Rdio (which is like Netflix, but for music), you can find my playlist here.

1. "I Need You" by M83 (lyrics can be found here)

This song was chosen because of how I feel about our Little Lady. While I know that I have God's ever-present love and my wife to guide me through the healing process of my separation from LL, I know that I am and will be trapped with the feeling that I need her and will find it difficult to survive happily without her. However, I hope the opposite is true for her...I pray that, while she will hopefully miss me, she is resilient enough to not need anyone but Christ to get her through the tough 11-12 years that are ahead of her.

2. "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz (lyrics can be found here)

I initially chose this song because it was a perfect portrayal of her journey with us in the first few months and our constant battle to show her that our love was unconditional and that she didn't need to fight for the transactional love that she was used to ("Maybe Mr. Brian will love me more if I am good at hula hooping or don't get any consequences...").

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

3. "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts (lyrics can be found here)

This is one of the hardest in this playlist to listen to. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how we'll feel on Monday morning when Julie, LL, Lucy, and I are waiting downstairs for her CPS case worker to show up and ring the doorbell.  We'll already have packed her things in moving boxes, cried, given 100 hugs, cried, let LL hug Lucy 100 more times, cried, and check the window ten times every minute. I don't know how we are going to hold it together as I help load up the case worker's car and watch her drive off, unsure of our near and distant future. I imagine Julie and I will stand there holding each other for a while after she is gone, standing silently in each other's arms as the streetlights blur in our tears until we unceremoniously walk inside and close the door on the closest thing we have ever had to a daughter and as we close the most important and painful chapter of our lives. I literally thank God for the amazing opportunity that LL's grandparents have afforded us of continued contact with her.  Once we found out the grandparents were willing for us to continue contact, I still cry when I hear this song, but it's because of a huge sense of relief and acknowledgement of how differently this could have ended for us.

4. "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri (lyrics can be found here)

It will never be possible for Julie and I to let go of this piece of our life history with LL. Even 20 years from now, we will imagine our giggling seven-year-old child. Whenever this song comes on in the car with LL, we always tell her, "I hope you know that we will never forget you and that we will love you for as long as we live." It seems difficult for her to understand how we feel for her, mostly because she has a difficult time processing how she feels for us. We know that she views "love" as a zero-sum game.  If she loves someone else more, then she feels that she has to love her biological mother less. So, she has to deal with these powerful, conflicting feelings in which she feels love for us, but can't seem to tell us for fear that she would betray her mother. My hope is that, although we weren't able to break her from this mindset while she was with us, that her therapist with her grandparents support, will be able to beat this so she can have healthy relationships when she gets older.

5. "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood (lyrics can be found here)

LL calls this the "foster care song" for obvious reasons. I like this song because it reminds me of the humanity of her mother. Regardless of the struggles that her parents experience, I firmly believe that no one wakes up wanting to be an unfit parent. Everyone has their own demons, and some people's demons are more powerful or more public than others.  However, the fact remains that the choices of her parents have forever altered the life trajectory of this little girl. I hope that, although her journey has drastically changed (and become very difficult in many ways), the destination of her life goals and ability to attain them remain intact.

6. "Say Something" by A Great Big World (lyrics can be found here)

Even though it's completely irrational, I feel that by giving up the fight for her, I am giving up on her. Even though Texas has very explicit laws regarding who has priority for custody over a foster parent, I still end up with this nagging doubt that there's something else I could have done. I guess it's hard because I know that she would 100% be loved and cared for, unconditionally, for the rest of her life if she stayed with us. She would certainly go to college and graduate (if we had anything to do with it). She would have access to high-quality education, high expectations, and be a part of a loving church family. She may still have access to these things when she goes to live with her grandparents, and I am so relieved to have talked to her grandparents and can receive confirmation that they will be incredible parents to her.  

7. "Stay Alive" by José Gonzalez (lyrics can be found here)

This song is special to me because of the impact that the Ben Stiller movie, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty," had on me and the validation it had for my spirit of adventure. It's the song I usually listen to when I start off on a mountain biking trail or hike or as I drive into the mountains to camp. More importantly, it makes me think of how I hope LL embraces the adventure of moving...again.  And starting a new school...again. And learning new house rules...again. I know that I would not embrace this as an "adventure" if I was LL. I would be afraid. And I would become calloused. And I would learn to love less. However, I hope that she embraces the words from this song about adventure, hope, redemption, and loyalty:

I will stay with you tonight
Hold you close 'til the morning light
In the morning watch a new day rise
We'll do whatever just to stay alive
We'll do whatever just to stay alive

Well the way I feel is the way I write
It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies
There is a truth and it's on our side
Dawn is coming
Open your eyes
Look into the sun as the new days rise

And I will wait for you tonight
You're here forever and you're by my side
I've been waiting all my life
To feel your heart as it's keeping time
We'll do whatever just to stay alive

8. "Not a Bad Thing" (Radio Edit) by Justin Timberlake (lyrics can be found here)

I know that LL and her biological mother had some good times together. I also know that LL is in foster care for a valid reason. CPS, her therapist, and Julie and I tell her this in a way that is as respectful as possible. Still, the way she grew up is the only way she has ever known, and any conversation discussing her mother's perceived shortcomings is received as an affront to her mother, and therefore, who LL is as a person. One of the most challenging parts of being a foster parent is loving this child so absolutely unconditionally and in a way that I didn't think was possible for me to love another creature...and then for LL to speak so highly of her biological parents. LL doesn't tell us that she loves us. I only hope that she does. At least she gives us unsolicited hugs now. She doesn't growl or screech when we try to hug her anymore. I wish so badly that she knew how much she could trust us with her heart, but I understand why she's afraid to share it.

I know people make promises all the time
Then they turn right around and break them
When someone cuts your heart open with a knife, now you're bleeding
But I could be that guy to heal it over time
And I won't stop until you believe it
'Cause baby you're worth it

9. "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie (lyrics can be found here)

This song reminds me of those dreams that I always had growing up: desperately wanting to run toward something/someone or needing to run away from something...but feeling like your legs were stuck in glue. I never seem to be able to run in my dreams, and it's almost like my heart is subconsciously communicating that these are dreams meant to stay unrealized. This is how I feel about LL. So close, yet so impossibly far away. A week ago, I would have thought... "She's only 15 feet away in the next room, but I know that I may never see her again in person...so she might as well be 1,000 miles away. Actually, that's not even accurate because I know I would walk 1,000 miles in a heartbeat if it meant I got to still be a part of her life."  However, in light of our recent developments with her amazing grandparents, this song epitomizes the feeling of futility that could have taken place when accepting the finality of her upcoming transition away from us.  I am so grateful that, when I hear these words, it is a temporary distance that divides LL from us instead of a permanent one.

And the distance is quite simply much to far for me to row;
It seems farther than ever before (oh no)

I need you so much closer,

I need you so much closer,

I need you so much closer,

I need you so much closer.

10. "Free Fallin' (Live at the Nokia Theatre)" by John Mayer (lyrics can be found here)

Like it or leave it, I think this is hands-down the best cover of Petty's original I have heard. The girl that he sings about reminds me exactly of LL: her love of horses, her origins from the country, and her power over my emotions. In addition, John Mayer's acoustic version creates an ethereal feel for the song that helps me to visualize how I feel about LL leaving us...that I truly feel like I'm free falling. Ironically, while free falling, there's a feeling of imprisonment, that I feel like I'm in a trap that I can't escape. I wish so badly that I could undo the pain that has been caused in her heart due to the original need for her to enter foster care.

11. "Gravity (Live at the Nokia Theatre)" by John Mayer (lyrics can be found here)

With a nod to the origins to soul music (Otis Redding), the beginning of this song begins, I've got dreams to remember before continuing to Gravity is working against me...Gravity...stay the hell away from me.  This is one of the most powerful songs for me in this playlist.  It explains how I feel about the truth and gravity of LL's upcoming move.  I just want to say to her case worker, "No thank you, we're not interested.  We're busy building a happy, loving life for this child.  You're no longer needed here."  I spent too much time in the last half of a year dreaming about my life with this child.  Dreaming about Julie and her going wedding dress shopping.  Dreaming about me talking to her prom date before they go out.  Taking her to the DMV to get her first driver's license.  Holding her as she deals with her first break-up.  Taking her to a fancy dinner after she graduates high school.  Moving her into her college dorm.  But, the gravity is too strong of a force when you're a foster parent.  Maybe my mistake is that I dreamt too much of my life with her.  Maybe my mistake is that I dreamt too little of my life with her.  However, I know it was NOT a mistake to dive in and fully invest into this child as if she were my own.  The main reason she has healed so much while she was with us is because we DID act like she was our own child.  Hopefully this means that much of the healing has already taken place so that her grandparents can pick up where we left off.

12. "Ten Feet Tall" by Afrojack (lyrics can be found here)

The first time she grabbed my hand as we walked out of a store and into the parking lot.  The first time she smiled at me when I woke her up in the morning.  The first time she sat on my lap.  The first time she asked me to pick her up for a holding hug.  The first time she said, "Hey Mr. Brian, come look at what I can do!!"  Each time she does something new (well, new to us), it makes my heart feel HUGE.  Like I'm a fluffy giant made of dog fur walking through life and that I can take anything that comes my way.  And it makes me feel amazing, even more when I think about what this means for her...that she is adjusting in a healthy way, that she is enjoying moments in life, that she has found an eddy in life.  If you don't know what an eddy is, than you probably didn't fish much growing up, but it is a special place found in fast-moving rivers and streams.  Here's a description: "In fluid dynamics, an eddy is the swirling of a fluid and the reverse current created when the fluid flows past an obstacle.  The moving fluid creates a space devoid of downstream-flowing fluid on the downstream side of the object."  In other words, a fish that finds an eddy has every reason to flow down the rest of the river, but because there is a huge obstacle in the flow of the water, it disrupts the way the water would normally flow.  So, against all odds, LL finds these small moments to swim against the current and enjoy life as a seven-year-old, not as a foster child.  Not as a child whose parents have chosen their priorities over their child's.  Not as a little girl who left everything she knew to live with people she didn't know and learn at a school she didn't know.  When I hear this song, it's my hope that, when she's with us, she feels ten feet high and that she can do anything she dreams.

13. "Gold" by Britt Nicole (lyrics can be found here)

This is a super poppy, bubblegum song that seems like it's designed for tween girls...which is exactly why I put it in this playlist.  It reminds me of the incredible amount of energy that LL has, and it doesn't matter whether it is 9:00 p.m. at night while we read our nightly Bible story or if it's when I want to take a nap on Sunday afternoons.  More importantly, I chose this song because of the words that Julie and I have been trying to brainwash her with over the last half year: that she is valuable, that there is something known as true love that is unconditional, cannot be bought, cannot be earned, and most importantly...cannot be lost or taken away.  This is in contrast to what she's used to, which complicates an already-difficult abstract concept for her to not only understand, but to live by.  If she could live only two stanzas from this entire playlist, I firmly believe that she would have a happy, successful life if she were to adopt the following paragraphs as her life mantra.

This is for all the girls, boys all over the world
Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold
So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine
From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)
You're worth more than gold
(Gold gold oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

So don't let anybody tell you that you're not loved
And don't let anybody tell you that you're not enough
Yeah there are days when we all feel like we're messed up
But the truth is that we're all diamonds in the rough
So don't be ashamed to wear your crown
You're a king you're a queen inside and out
You glow like the moon, you shine like the stars
This is for you, wherever you - are.....

Yeah..... yeah, eh, yeah
You're gold

14. "You've Lost the Starlight in Your Eyes" by Hammock (lyrics can be found here)

The lyrics for this song are very simple but allow me the space for the complexity of what happens in my head when I think about LL's whole journey with us, from beginning to end (and beyond):

All the nights we tried and tried,
to find the starlight in your eyes.
All the hours we cried and cried,
you lost the starlight in your eyes.

It's what we saw the first several months she was with us, and now that the spark is back in her eyes (put there by her at great personal risk), I'm afraid that her move will be like monsoon wind that snuffs the light out for good.  But, I hope that I am wrong and that we are a short pit-stop on her lifelong journey of knowing that she's incredibly loved by not only Julie, Lucy, our family, our friends, and me, but also by her grandparents, their family, their friends, and everyone that comes in contact with her.  This is a long song, which is helpful for me because I know I vacillate back and forth on predicting if this will be a happy ending for her or a tragic ending.  For both of our sake, I need to hope that it's a happy one.  And thanks to our prayers being answered in a huge way with the amount of love that I can feel from her grandparents, I don't think that's a far-fetched hope, and I can't wait to see how much starlight she has in her eyes in the coming years.

15. "Just a Game" by Birdy (lyrics can be found here)

With the incredible flux of emotions (high, low, hope, despair) that accompanies being an all-in foster parent, it often leaves me wondering if this is just some cosmic joke where angels are taking bets on how long a foster couple lasts before they either stop caring or give up.  I know there are many good foster parents out there that have found a way to continue the fight, but I often feel that this beast is too big to slay.  I know that if you can't fix the system, then you have to fix yourself...but sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.  Yes, there is a huge need for all-in foster parents, but I don't know how people emerge from this journey and keep their marriage and personal spirits intact.

In the last few weeks, I have avoided as many chores as possible in order to squeeze as much time as possible in with Little Lady.  I'm 1,000 miles over on my oil change, my inspection sticker is overdue, and I have about 5-10 things I have been needing to get to with the house.  For us to have fresh groceries, I've been going shopping at Wal-Mart at 10 p.m. to avoid losing any time with her while she's awake.

I don't know where I am
I don't know this place
Don't recognize anybody
Just the same old empty face

That's how I feel as I slowly walk through the cereal aisle and carefully select the last box of children's cereal I will buy for a seven-year-old.  I choose the last package of Danimals yogurt that she will eat at our house.  I pick up two gallons of milk for the last time since we won't have a milk chugger living with us come Tuesday morning.  I stare at the wall of snacks and try to find something special that she can eat after school before she works on homework -- wait, she won't have any more homework before she leaves us.  Every 5 seconds, I see something in the store that reminds me of who she is, her struggles, her triumphs, and what she loves.  So, I barely trudge down the main aisle of Wal-Mart as random strangers pass me...too busy to wonder why I'm shopping at a grocery store with tears in my eyes an hour after I normally go to bed.  Is all of this a game?  It sure feels like it sometimes.

16. "Day Is Gone" by Noah Gundersen (lyrics can be found here)

Take it back, I would take it back,

For just another minute, just another chance with you.

Give it up, I would give everything up,  

Every last breath, every last taste for you.

Just to make it all right, just to make it all right.

But it's too late to go back,

I can see the darkness through the cracks.

Daylight fading, I curse the breaking,

The day is gone, the day is gone.

This song is tough.  It's honest.  When I let myself stop, think, and dream, I scold myself.  I can't dream of my life with our Little Lady because it's not going to happen.  That moment when I remember what can't become is when I relate most to this song.  It speaks to me not only because of how I feel with her inevitable departure, but also because I wish I could just make everything go away for her.  I selfishly wish she could be ours for forever, but I also wish I could wave a wand and make her parents healthy, to make her parents attentive, to make her parents full of admiration and adoration for their daughter.  To erase the pain, the sadness, the uncertainty, the self-doubt, and the grief from a little seven-year-old's heart would be worth me accepting a lifetime of emptiness.  As much as I feel a grief-filled sadness overcome me many times per day, I can't imagine what it would be like to fight off the assaulting storm of darkness with only the whimpers and tears of a heart not old enough to put a band-aid on her elbow by herself.

I cannot imagine this journey without my faith in Christ.  The darkness knocks at my door every day, and there's no way I could wake up each day without knowing that He is by our sides.  Without any doubt, I would be in an even deeper hole without His unfailing love.

17. "God Gave Me You" by Dave Barnes (lyrics can be found here)

Each day, each breath, each interaction we have with others is a gift from God.  I know it sounds cliche, but I had this huge epiphany when I made her lunch every morning for two months.  She always ate it, always threw her trash away, and always brought her lunch bag back each day for more. She didn't thank me for making her lunch each day (because she's seven years old).  :)  I thought about how many hours I carefully selected snacks at the store, packaged them in fun little ziploc bags, and even wrote dozens of notes to accompany her lunch.  I know she liked them, but she didn't appreciate them.  It's really easy to like the people around us but forget to truly appreciate them.  Being a foster parent has forever changed my perspective on the sanctity of life and the fragility of the relationships around us (and their ability to expire without notice).  This song was a needed reminder after a few songs on the playlist that allowed me to wallow in my self pity but then help me re-focus my energy on being thankful for the time we had with this precious little girl.

18. "What We Want, What We Get" by Dave Barnes (lyrics can be found here)

Sometimes what we want isn't what we get, 

And sometimes what we get ain't really want we want.

Wow, back to me realizing that I'm not in control.  As much as we would love to have a child in our home, it's not up to us.  And, we need to get over that.  Yes, we could whine and complain about that, but that would just be annoying.  However, the purpose of this song in my playlist is to remind me that I have an incredible helper in my life, and my wife is someone that hasn't got a ton of attention during our Little Lady's stay here.  This song is about a couple going through life together and figuring out how to deal with what life gives.  As much as I feel about losing this little girl from our lives, I know there are men out there who got to keep their little girl, but lost their wife to cancer or to a car accident.  This song helps me remember to be grateful for the life I have.  I have a decently-paying job, had an opportunity to go to college, live in a safe neighborhood, have a wife that adores me and respects me in front of her friends, and have health insurance with the means to handle emergencies that come our way.  Things could be a million times worse, and although losing our girl is a tragedy to us, I know that (someday) we will heal.  When we come out of the fog, we will have many encouraging friends and family that will help create a soft place for us to land.  For that, I am eternally grateful, and I want to thank everyone reading this blog for reaching out to Julie or me to check in on us.

19. "Out of the Woods" by Nickel Creek (lyrics can be found here)

I love this song because our Little Lady loves country and bluegrass music.  The composition of the song, vocal harmony, and the violin + mandolin create a dream-worthy setting for me to daydream about the hopeful possibility that, someday, she will take a deep breath, straighten her posture, and step out into the world.  I imagine her as a twenty-year-old, confidently pursuing life.  She remembers her past, vows to never repeat her family's heritage, and makes her life mean something.  She smiles as she thinks back to the foster parents that poured their love into her, made her smile, and taught her that she is a child of God with all the rights that accompany being royalty.  She is kind, she cares for the people around her, and she stands up for herself when someone tries to take advantage of her heart.  But most of all, I dream about her having a strong, loving relationship with God and finding ways to mentor children like her when she was lost, scared, and alone.  

20. "For You to Notice" by Dashboard Confessional (lyrics can be found here)

But then, reality sets back in, and I know that she has an incredible struggle in her heart that prevents her from being able to fully trust us with her heart.  It's based on experience, and it's also a defense mechanism to keep her fragile spirit from crumbling at the first breeze of an imaginary, impending gust of wind.  Julie wrote a few months ago about how jealous we are that the biological parents around us rarely have to work as hard to get their child to love them.  It's ingrained in their brain development.  Kids always love their parents (even though they get annoyed with them sometimes), but not our Little Lady.  She's healing, and it's a slow process.  This song is a letter that I wish I could whisper into her ear sometimes at night while he sleeps.  Julie and I work so hard to keep our word (even when it's nearly impossible) to build trust, actively play with her every single day, provide a warm and strict environment, and find ways to build her up and encourage her...but she still doesn't say "I love you" to us.  We are pretty sure she does, and she has even started (just the last week or so) showing us the "I love you" hand sign.  It started only when she went to bed, but now it's when I leave for work or when we have a special moment at home or out at dinner.  It took her about six months, and it took us telling her that we love her for over 170 days, but I think she has finally noticed us.  

21. "Wings" by Cimorelli (lyrics can be found here)

Hands down, if I could hear our Little Lady sing a song for me 10 years from now, this is the one I'd choose.  I desperately pray that this song personifies how she has not only grown strong as a person, but also in how she looks back and thinks about her time with Julie and me.  She has been listening to this in the car, and it's impossible for me to hear these words come out of her mouth without crying, at least a little bit.  I imagine these lyrics are the prayer from any parent about their child, but it is just so much more incredible thinking about our Little Lady.  She has blossomed so much in the last six months with us, I can only hope and pray that she will continue on this trajectory until she finds her way back to us as an adult...

I feel like a prisoner locked up,
The only key to set me free is your love,
You went and took a chance on me,
Without a reason to believe.

When I wanna quit, you won't let me
When I'm falling down, you gonna catch me,
You pick me up, yeah, you fix me up
Now I'm on my way and I'm strong enough to say

You gave me wings, and taught me to fly
When I was out there on my own,
You gave me wings and brought me to life,
And now I need to know
If you wanna fly, cause I wanna fly (yeah)
Tell me you're down for touching the sky (yeah)
You and me, me and you, the higher, the better,
When we fly, we fly together, together, together, together, together
When we fly, we fly together.

22. "In the Wind" by Lord Huron (lyrics can be found here)
...which brings us to the final song on my playlist.  She's leaving in 3 days and 14 hours.  Our living room is full of new moving boxes, assembled and waiting for hundreds of Barbie shoes, bent slinkies, pieces of construction paper, mismatched socks, presents from her half birthday party, stuffed animals, and memories.  What's next?  What is this journey going to look like for this little girl?  I have fiercely protected this child every single day (physically and emotionally), and I'm sending her into the unknown.  Will she like her new school?  Will she have any friends six months from now?  What kind of friends will she have six years from now?  Will she care about us sixteen years from now?  One thing I know is that she has memorized our phone numbers, and I will never change my phone number (no matter what).  Every time I pass by her room on the way to change in my closet after coming home from work, I will think about her.  I will pray for her.  I will hurt for her.  And, I will hope for her.  

I would wait for a thousand years
I would sit right here by the lake, my dear
You just let me know that you're coming home
And I'll wait for you

Years have gone but the pain is the same
I have passed my days by the sound of your name
Well they say that you're gone and that I should move on
I wonder: how do they know, baby?

So, now we wait for you, precious little girl.  I hope that as the river bends for you, it won't be as rough of a ride as you've had during the last few years.  I hope that you treat others well, and most of all, I hope that you treat yourself well.  Stick up for yourself.  Model your life after what you know is right, and demand that others respect you for this.  I'll wait as long as it takes for you to come back, sweetheart.  And if you don't, I will still love you.  And I'll keep waiting.  

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LL's quotes: 

- (Over dinner) "I'm storing up fat for the winter."

- "Everybody likes a snobby king!"

Last minute photo shoots.

It was an old fashioned breakfast café kinda night. 

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About Us: 

We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day. 

Key Posts:

We are Facebook-Official!

Saying goodbye to someone I've never met

Will you get a white one?

Yup, it's gonna hurt.

Day 1 with our Little Lady

Oasis (post from Brian)

What we tried to build

Why I don't usually write (post from Brian)

Another night in the closet

LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.