Live. Love. Foster.

Oasis

7/16/14

The last five minutes

"Have you thought about what the last 5 minutes with her will be like?" Bry asked from the kitchen.

I knew what he asked, but I asked him to repeat it anyway. I don't think I wanted to accept the reality this question forced me into so quickly.

Oh yeah, there will actually be a last 5 minutes. That's actually going to happen.

I wish I could count the number of people who have said, "Yeah, but you knew she was gonna have to leave when you started this, right?"

Of course we did. Just like you knew that your children wouldn't live forever when you decided to have kids. At some point, you'll have to say goodbye, too. But you don't want that to be too soon, or before you're ready (which is never), so it doesn't make it any easier to accept the fact that they will leave.

Can you imagine what it would sound like if someone asked you, "Yeah, I know you love your kid and all, but you know they're gonna leave you someday, so why do you care about them so much?"

What would you do if you only had 5 more minutes with your child before they left and you never saw them, ever again?

Some of the options I've considered:

1. Count every single freckle and memorize every curve, bump, and line that make up her sweet face.

2. Listen to her sing, "Let it Go."

3. Cry, hug, tickle, smile, laugh, giggle, repeat.

4. Pray for her. For her future. For her family. For her future children. For their children. That she will end the generational line of foster kids in her family and build a new path for her children. That she will not be enslaved by drugs or addiction. That she will find worth and value in Jesus alone.

5. Pick her up, hold her in our arms and just rock her for a while.

It doesn't matter what we do in those last 300 seconds with our Little Lady. Nothing will feel sufficient. No matter what we do, I know we will look back and want a do-over to say one more thing, to give one more hug, to tell her that Jesus loves her and so do we. Just one more time.

At her last visit, she begged the social worker to let her give her mom one more hug, one more kiss, to just have one more minute with her.

And then I realize that nothing will ever feel sufficient for her, either.

LL's quotes:
- "How can you get un-married? Would you and Ms. Julie ever want to get un-married?" That was the interesting, random question for the night.

Swings at sunset.

Silly faces.

More silly faces. The kissing mustache was her favorite face of the night.

Found a new park!

Awesome crane toy at the park.

Barbie and Ken massacre. From Bry: "It wasn't a massacre...Barbie and Ken were laying down so the soldiers could deliver s'mores through their marshmallow and chocolate guns." Oh, of course. I should've known.

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Oasis

7/15/14

Another curve on the roller coaster

And just like that, plans can change.

We got some news tonight about our Little Lady's case that could shake it up again. Sorry for all of the cryptic language lately. I hope that someday we'll be able to share more details.

Let's just say...we're not giving up yet.

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This song has been on repeat in my head for weeks. The lyrics were ringing so true tonight.

"He is With Us"

-- Love & the Outcome

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding onto you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us, always, always
He is with us, He is with us, always

LL's quotes:

- "I'm so cute!"

Picking roses to put in her hair.

This is what she was working on while we were talking with the case worker...tiger print dress, nails painted, necklace, and "diamond" earrings on.

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Oasis

7/14/14

The adoption totem pole

Our Little Lady's lawyer met with her on Sunday afternoon to check in with her. It was hard to sit still and quiet while he asked her big, grown up questions.

One of the questions they (her lawyer and the other case workers) always ask before they leave is, "What should I tell the judge? Where do you want to live? If you had to choose between blank, blank, blank, and Mr. Brian/Ms. Julie's house, where would you want to live?" She thought about it for a minute and decided she needed more time to answer.

LL went upstairs to play while Bry and I spoke with the lawyer. While we were talking, we saw a bright red piece of paper fall from the top of the stairs. On the front, it said, From me To you. Inside, it read, I want to live at ----------'s house.

Now, of course there was a tiny (or a huge) part of me that hoped she'd write our names. Let's be honest...I'd never wished to be chosen for something so badly in my entire life. I wondered for a second what it may have been like to have a child of my own who would never have to live this moment and choose, at 7 years old, where they wanted to live.

Unfortunately, that isn't what happened. The name she did write down will most likely change the course of her case and she may have sealed her own fate without even knowing it. Written, documented evidence from the child herself. That'll be priceless in court.

My heart skipped a few beats and I reminded myself to take a breath.

We talked for a little while longer and we expressed that we are open to adoption. The lawyer scoffed and I think even laughed a little bit as he said, "Ha! Let me explain where foster parents are on the totem pole in Texas. I'm the only one behind you in the line to adopt, and that's only because I'm a complete stranger!"

We will continue to love and care for this little one, however long the Lord chooses to keep her in our home.

And our hope will not be stifled.

And even if things do not go our way, we will still trust Him. And lean on Him. And love His children.

Especially our Little Lady.

LL's quotes:

- (After the radio station said, "Safe for the whole family...") "How do they know you have a kid???"

- "I've been playing the same Barbie game for two days. It's called, 'You're gettin' married, girl!"

"Let's take a picture with my Barbies, Ms. Julie. They just got married!"

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Oasis

7/12/14

Cien días

Today marked one hundred days we've shared a roof with our Little Lady.

It wasn't like the 100th day of school when you get to wear sunglasses that are shaped like the number 100 and you bring a hundred pieces of candy to "share" with your friends. This was the kind of 100th day that you wake up and you feel like it's Christmas and you want to run into your little girl's bedroom and scream, "Yeah! We've known you for 100 days! You're our favorite person who has ever lived on the earth ever! We can't imagine our lives without you. Can you stay forever so it'll always feel like the 100th day?!?!?", but instead you decide to tell her (very quietly and calmly) this way, "So, ummm, today is the 100th day we've been together. Pause. It's okay to feel happy and sad today. We're happy that you've been in our lives for 100 days, but I know it also means you haven't been with your family for that long, too. And I know that's sad."

And then she says something waaaayyyy beyond her years...

"It's always a mixture. Happy and sad. Always has been and it's always gonna be."

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I had a lot of high hopes for us that we'd be able to come up with a list of the top 100 things we love about our Little Lady, but then something called LIFE got in the way and I think the list made it's way to like number 45 or something. Oh well, here's the list anyway! Bry's favorites and my favorites are all mixed together.

~~100~~ 40 something things we love about our Little Lady

Her freckles. Sometimes I dream about eating them they're so stinkin' cute!
Her toothy smile, which actually lacked several teeth for the first few months she was with us. Another sign of time passing...
As Bry puts it, "The way she grabs life by the horns and just goes for it, whatever it is!"
Her curls - or straight hair, I love it either way.
When she picks out her outfit for the day and it's actually pajamas, but I don't have the heart to tell her because I know how much we struggled with her independence during the first 50 days or so.
I love how she watches Bry and how they play together.
When she's REALLY excited, she hunches over and her jaw drops and she just stands there for a minute - frozen, with her mouth wide open. (This may be my #1 favorite thing about her!)
The fact that she knows every single word to Bob Marley's "Don't Worry about a Thing." Most adults don't even know all the lyrics.
I love how she makes everything fun - even a simple event like eating toast; she sees things no one else sees. She sees someone doing a crooked smile, a goat, a howling bear. In a piece of toast! Lord, please give me eyes like this little one...to slow down every now and then...just long enough to really see what's in front of me and to be content.
I loved watching her play in the snow at the top of the Rocky Mountains.
The way she laughs when she farts (this was Bry's number one favorite thing he wrote on his list when I asked him to send it to me!)
I love listening to her talk to her stuffed animals when she supposed to be sleeping.
I love that Lucy and LL can wear each other out, but that LL is also very gentle with her.
She's awesome with little kids and babies. She will be an amazing little mommy someday. Every time we go somewhere and there's a child under the age of 6, she immediately feels like it's her responsibility to look after the child. I can see it in her eyes, "Well, I know what I'm doing for the next two hours. Gotta get to work. Obviously, no one else is watching this baby. Guess it's my job!"
She asks, "Why not?" when she wants to understand something.
She loves going on hikes with me.
She likes cuddling when watching TV.
She's always honest. Even when it means she's about to get in trouble.
She likes planting things.
She's excited about little things.
She's always super friendly to everyone she meets (sometimes this gets her into trouble and we have to explain that she doesn't have to tell everyone everything about her.)
She treats life and learning with the sense of wonder and curiosity.
She loves pizza, and cake, and pretty much all foods that start with one of the 26 letters of the alphabet. But especially cake. And rolls. Oh, and cake. And don't forget cupcakes.
She's really good at cartwheeling and hula hooping.
She prefers cartwheeling to a location versus walking.
She tells hilarious jokes, and she's just funny in general.
She likes dressing super cute, but she'll also rock a Monday-morning-hairdo-fuzz.
She gets excited about earning a quarter. And checking the mail. And opening a new gallon of milk. Seriously - she just loves everything, no matter how simple it is.
She'd be thrilled to be trapped on a deserted island if it meant that she got to go swimming. And eat cake.
She loves reading (even though she hated it 98 or 99 days ago.)
She tells adorable prayers.
She reminds us to pray if we forget.
She gives Bry running-cannonball hugs off of the bed every night before she climbs into the top bunk.
I even love the incredibly disgusting, but impressive, mess she calls, "Bath time."
She stays pretty organized.
She remembers everything.
She forgives easily.
As the case worker put it, she "doesn't tire easily."
She's my adventure buddy.
She says, "Awwwwwww!" anytime she sees something cute.

LL's quotes:

- "How does Siri know everything??"
- "This gum is gross, but I've had worst things in my mouth, like dog spit."
- "Oh no way... Does that doll poop and pee, too?"
- "I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow." She said this to 11 other preteens over dinner tonight at the birthday party we were at. They must've been very confused!

LL and baby Mollie!

In the tornado machine at the birthday party at Pump it Up.

Dancing and playing.

Sharing a warthog nose at CiCi's. Never thought I'd say those words. Ever.

"This is the first time I've sat on an elephant, Ms. Julie!"

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Oasis

7/11/14

What we tried to build

So, I know I've been a little quiet around here over the last few days. After writing every single night for almost 100 days, I finally stopped writing for a few nights.

Let me explain.

As I read through a few posts, I realized that 90% of the last 10-15 posts I'd written felt genuine, but also a little superficial, and I felt sick of myself talking about "how fun" something was, or "how funny" something was, or "how great" something was.

I realized that I've started to cover some of my real feelings with stories of cuteness, and greatness, and happiness.

The reason we began this blog was to document the ups and downs we experience on a day-to-day basis in foster care. When we were first thinking about becoming foster parents, we searched Mr. Google for weeks trying to find a blog that would just lay out what it was really like to be foster parents from the beginning to end of a placement (specifically of older children who can talk, think, and fight for themselves.) We couldn't find one, so we decided to create one ourselves.

As the weeks, and then months, passed, it became harder to publicly spill my guts - in front of friends, family, and strangers alike. I guess I wanted people to see all the "good" stuff that went on in our lives (who doesn't?) Not the stuff that makes being a parent harder than I ever imagined. Not the stuff that makes spouses jealous of each other and second guess every decision we make.

I wanted to share the nice, funny, sweet moments.

Not the awful ones.

Like the time LL stung me with, "You don't like kids, do you?" (I know now that this was a technique she used early on to put up a wall between the two of us.) That one was hard not to take personally. It still hurts to this day if I let myself think about it for too long.

Or all the times I've picked her up from daycare and she didn't even say hi or give me a hug, but instead asked why Bry couldn't pick her up. (I understand now that when she came to us, she had space for him in her heart...there was space reserved for a strong, fun, supportive male figure to show her love. There wasn't room for a mom. She's still trying to figure out where I belong.) I understand it, but it still hurts.

Or how about the 5,000 times LL has compared something I've done to how her mom would do it, or say it, or hear it. And I'm left screaming in my head, "If your mom was so great, why are you here?" Obviously, I'd never say anything like this to her, and I know this is perfectly normal, but it still hurts. If I was forced to live with another family when I was 7 years old, I'm sure I'd compare everything they did to the way my parents did things. And I'm sure I'd think that my parents had done everything the "right" way, no matter how wrong they were.

We don't have the privilege that bio parents do, where our child loves us unconditionally, no matter what. We've had to earn every single drop of affection, trust, or love LL has expressed to us. And we're running out of time to pour into her and to build, what we hope to be, a reciprocal, lifelong relationship.

If LL's case goes one way (and one way only), we may be able to write openly about our true emotions and experiences someday. However, we will most likely never be able to share these stories publicly.

It feels somewhat coward-ish to advertise a blog for foster-parents-to-be when we can not disclose enough information to express what it is really like to raise someone else's children.

Now I understand why it was so hard to find a blog like the one we tried to build.

LL's quotes:
- Me: "Your nose is peeling." LL: "Yup. That skin is 7 years old. It's time for something new."

56 cent night at IHOP on Tuesday night! Yes, please!

LL and I went to the mall on Wednesday night to spend some of her vacation money, but she forgot it at home, so I did a little shopping for myself instead.

"I look regal with these lions!"

Walking down the runway in Sweet and Sassy. The sparkly shirt she's wearing seems fitting.

After her bath last night, she came into our room like this and said, "I have some official FBI business that I'm on right now. I heard you have a dog hiding in here without a collar on. I'll need to take her in." Never a dull moment with this little one!!

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Oasis

7/7/14

She's in her 7's, soooo....

LL's quotes:
- I picked up our Little Lady from daycare today with Lucy in the backseat. When she saw her, she made this funny scream-cry and something that sounded like, "Lucy, I love you!!!!" came out. After they hugged for a while, LL said, "I haven't had Lucy's butt in my face since that time we went to San Antonio."

- "I'm about to do something very, very dangerous. Just wait till you see it!" I'm so glad you gave us the heads-up so we could stop you before you tried to jump 6 stairs.

- (After she tied a balloon by herself) Me: "Wow! I'm impressed! I couldn't tie a balloon until I was in my twenties." LL: "Well, I'm in my 7's." :))))))

- Bry: "Pay up. You owe me a dollar, sister." LL: "Do you take Canadian money?"

No need to fear. The fly-swatting-dancing-girl is here! Also, we're back to a family of 4.

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Oasis

7/6/14

Home at last!

Home at last. Home at last. Thank God Almighty, we're home at last.

LL's quotes:

- LL: "That lady still has her groove." Me: "What do you mean?" LL: "She doesn't waddle."

- "Moon pies are for kids who want to go to sleep."

- Bry: "Let's share our highs and lows from the whole vacation (over dinner.)" LL: "You better get comfy cause I have lots of highs!!" I guess that means the trip was a success!

A sure sign we were close to home!!!

The aftermath of a 7 year old with the back seat all to herself for 10 hours.

We're home!!! We missed you, house!

Feels great to be home. Once Lucy is back with us tomorrow, we'll be complete again.

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