I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but please bear with me as I share some photos and some feelings with you.
Many of you have called or texted this week to check in on us. When asked how we feel, I just want to say...I feel everything. I've felt all the feelings. I don't know which one I feel right now, but rest assured, I've felt them all. Let me introduce you to a few of them.
Denial
Yes, our friend denial visited us several times this week, and I'm sure he's not moving out anytime soon.
We had the whole week to pack up her things, but we kept putting it off.
There was something comforting about walking into her room and knowing we'd find half used pieces of construction paper, stuffed animals, and Barbie shoes strewn all over the floor. When we got sad this week, we could pop into her room and pretend for just a second that she wasn't really gone.
Maybe she was just at school.
Maybe she'd be running through the door any minute now, screaming, and laughing, eager to tell us about her accomplishments for the day.
But, no one ran through the door.
No one was screaming. No one ran into our room wearing an FBI outfit, demanding to know our names and addresses. No one was begging to go bike riding or hula hoop outside with the dog.
It's never felt so quiet in this house. We found ourselves turning on music or turning up the TV to even out the volume level in our reality and our memories.
Wonder
I'm not sure if this is a feeling more than it is a verb, but this is my blog, so I can make up the rules.
I wonder if I soaked in our last moments together as much as I should have. I know it will never feel like our time together was sufficient, but did I do enough? Hug her enough? Show her what it means to serve Jesus by serving others...enough?
The last time I woke her up for school.
Our last good night hug.
The last time I'd watch her run into the gym when I dropped her off at school.
Our last dinner together as a family of three.
The last time we fed a homeless person together or donated her clothes to a child in need.
The last glimpse we had of her showing us the "I love you" sign over her top bunk before we closed the door and told her good night.
The last time she'd sit in her hot pink, zebra-printed booster seat.
And SO many other lasts.
There are lasts at every turn. There are reminders of her all over this house. Sometimes it's too much to bear.
And then a third feeling washes over me. It comforts me. It reminds me why we chose to take this journey in the first place.
If you're looking for proof that the Lord can make something good out of something so awful, look no further than the Foster Care system in your own backyard.
There are a million reasons our Little Lady (and approximate 600,000 other foster kids in America) could give up on hope; so many reasons she could hate, and fear, and reject the adults around her. There are so many reasons that we, as her foster parents, should resent case workers, birth parents, documentation, regulations, and the "system," but at the end of the day, what we honestly feel is...
gratefulness.
We are grateful to have known her and to have lived life alongside her.
We are grateful for the progress she was able to make in our home, through her therapist, her case workers, her teachers, our friends and family members who poured truth and love into her, and through us.
We are grateful that she was so brave and she pushed herself to love more, trust more, and give more, even when everything was crashing down around her.
We are grateful for her grandparents who have gone above and beyond to accommodate us into their life, and into our little one's life, and who this week texted us to ask how we're doing. They are the earthly picture of grace and mercy and I am beyond grateful for their Christ-like love.
I'm grateful that God chose to use us to impact her life.
Just two simple people who couldn't change the whole world, but changed this little girl's whole world.
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About Us:
We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day.
About Us:
We began our foster journey in mid-August 2013. We finished our classes in October, had our home study in early January, and we were licensed on February 7, 2014. After seven calls from CPS, we received our first placement, a 7-year-old girl (our Little Lady, or LL for short) on April 3, 2014. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about our journey through the craziness that is foster care. Most importantly, thanks for your prayers, love, and support. We hope to encourage fellow foster/adoptive parents as we document our ups and downs each day.
Key Posts:
Oasis (post from Brian)
Why I don't usually write (post from Brian)
LL...if you just stumbled upon this blog and you're freaking out because you see pictures of yourself, please START HERE.
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