Sacrifice or a Dry Clean Budget?

We went to orientation at the agency we're working with on Tuesday night. It was a pretty stressful day for both of us, and I was concerned that our unpleasant states-of-mind would impact our first visit, but we actually left that evening feeling encouraged and excited. Well, at least one of us. Brian seemed more determined and on fire to make this happen. I, on the other hand, started to feel the weight of the reality and the fear of the unknown stronger than I had before.

I feel like we're walking on a tightrope right now; we're going to fall one way or the other. On one side, we could "fall" into the fostering world and it would turn our lives upside down (in good and bad umm, challenging ways.) On the other side, we could "fall" back into the comfort of our current lifestyles. It's an interesting place to be...it almost feels like we're watching a movie about our own life and we're waiting to see what we're going to choose next. Do we choose chaos or comfort? Sacrifice or a dry clean budget? Runny noses and doctor visits or Netflix marathon Saturdays?

While thinking about these things this week, I've found myself getting upset (ok, maybe even a little resentful and angry) about this "choice." I KNOW that ultimately, it is not our choice - God will guide us towards the path for our family, whether that is fostering or something else. However, even though I know it isn't our choice, I've still felt very uneasy about the whole thing. Part of me wishes I could just be like one of those wives that finds out she's pregnant...she didn't really plan for it, but it just kind of happened. She doesn't really have a choice...in that moment, she's a mom. I feel like in our situation, we get to be a little more intentional about the decision. Even if the Lord ultimately makes the choice, we also have time to sit and think about the decision.

I don't really want to think about the decision. I kind of wish life had just happened and I could just be a mom. Okay, if I'm being really honest, I REALLY wish I didn't have to think about it.

Status: We're going to keep moving forward and PRAYING hard while taking classes and preparing for the home study. Our first two classes are this Saturday. :)