The Other Half

So here I am, sitting at home (sick). I know this is the first time I've contributed to our blog, but it's mostly because Julie has already said everything so well. :) Plus, I know that the way Julie processes ideas is by pausing, taking a step back, and really digging around in her brain before really deciding where she stands on something. Usually, she takes action or speaks after she has made up her mind. I, on the other hand, have to get knee-deep in the messiness of a challenge to see the good as well as the challenges before I can make an informed decision. Over the last couple months, as we have experienced this journey to make an impact on "little visitors" (as my mom endearingly refers to our future foster children), I have done exactly that.

Since Julie wrote a couple weeks ago that we strongly felt God pushing us toward fostering or fostering to adopt, it immediately hit me that I was going to be a dad. The challenge for me is that most men have an 8-9 month time period to come to grips with questions like, "Will I be a good dad?" Instead, I only have a couple months before our home is open to foster placements and to come to grips with much more difficult questions, like, "Will I be able to fully provide for a child that has very different needs? Not just financially, but spiritually, emotionally, and socially? Am I truly ready to be the last resort for a devastated, mourning little girl or boy that wants nothing to do with their new foster parents? How do you enable a child to trust you as a father figure if the child was sexually abused repeatedly for over five years? How do I convince a child that when I want a hug, I'm not trying to get close enough to hit him? What do I do if an 8-year-old attacks my wife or dog with a knife? How will my job requirements allow me to be fully emotionally present when I come home to console a inconsolable child whose biological mother stood him up for the fourth straight visitation?"

So, I have been doing what I do best: getting knee-deep in "dad stuff" to help me answer my self-doubt. I know that God whispered to Samuel in the silence of his slumber (1 Samuel 3), but I feel God's presence and faithfulness much more like how Simon Peter when He first met Jesus (Luke 5): in the thick of the "doing".  In Luke 5, Jesus asks Simon Peter to put out his boat. Simon Peter acted (still not knowing God's plan or that Jesus even had a plan) by pushing out from the shore. Then, Jesus commanded him to put out his nets one more time (even though Jesus clearly saw that they had finished cleaning their nets with no success). Yet, Simon Peter acted. It was not until Simon Peter acted out on faith a second time to a self-proclaimed god that hadn't proven himself to the fishermen before Simon Peter realized that Jesus was the real deal, that he was the Son of God, that he really had Simon Peter's back. 

Even when we didn't know for sure that God wanted us to foster, we chose to take the classes and continued to pray. Once we knew this was God's direction for us, I have shifted to stepping out on faith that God will eventually prepare me emotionally to do what it takes to be the best dad I can for these kids. For me, that means putting children's furniture together, hanging bookshelves, and child-proofing our house. I don't yet know how to answer a child that asks, "If I behave better, can I go back home to my real mom?" But, I know how to buy a mattress and put a stuffed animal on a dresser. It's in these moments that Christ slowly builds my confidence to open this next challenging door in my life. 

I don't know if I will ever be able to answer those kinds of tough questions, but as I prepare my house for our "little visitors", I feel confident that, like Simon Peter, Jesus asks me to show up and act on faith. I eagerly await the miracles Jesus will perform on me, my wife, and our little visitors in this household once I act out of obedience and faith. 

12:41 A.M. Julie here....

WOW - I love you, baby.

Also, I know I've posted so many pics of the room already, but I have to add a few more as we put the final touches on it. It's really coming together and I am loving it more everyday!

We took down the lime green curtains and put these up instead. We need to iron them, but you get the picture. We still need pics in the frames, but this wall is almost finished!

We also got a mirror today! It's the little things that make us happy...