Today marks four years that Brian and I have been trying to start a family. We thought it might take a few months (ha!) to get pregnant...little did we know we'd spend thousands of dollars, shed many tears and sleepless nights, or that we'd be diagnosed with infertility. We're not giving up yet, but we know there's still a long road ahead of us.
I don't share this to seek pity, but rather to raise awareness about infertility. For too long, this subject has been shoved under the rug or ignored, or worse, covered in shame by the couples who bare this diagnosis.
We are not ashamed.
1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility, and unfortunately, we drew the short straw on this one.
We know that if we are meant to have biological children, they already have names and a birthdate and a favorite color. If we aren't meant to have kids the "traditional" way, then we are confident that God will bring kids into our lives in another way.
I say all of this to say that you just never know what people are going through. I know I've probably said some inconsiderate and even hurtful comments to people in the past, without knowing their whole situation. The one that still stings for me was when a friend said in front of my mother-in-law, "When are you gonna make that lady a grandma already??"
If you know someone going through infertility and they've been open with you about their struggles, let them know that you care about them and ask them what they need. Maybe offer to watch their older children so they can attend a doctor appointment.
Unless you've experienced infertility yourself, or have done a ton of research, AND the person has been open with you about their diagnosis, please do not offer suggestions such as, "You just need to relax and then you'll get pregnant," or, "It'll happen when it's supposed to," because the truth is that it may never actually happen.
It is a touchy subject to talk about, but the conversation needs to be had. People struggling with infertility need to know they are not outcasts, they are loved, and they are supported.
We are so lucky to have amazing friends and family around us who have loved and supported us over the last few years while we've been going through treatments. I just hope I can return the favor and be there for someone else someday who is brave enough to share their diagnosis.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's so hard when you know you could give so much love and such a good home to a child.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 3 years since my husband and I started TTC. Ironically we do have one biological child (that we were not even trying to have - I was 19 for heaven's sake), then spent the next 12 years trying to make sure everything was perfect before we got pregnant again, but apparently it was not meant to be.
We don't actually have a diagnosis of infertility... we decided after 18 mos of TTC to pursue adoption from foster care, and did not pursue fertility testing or treatment. We just felt if we were going to spend that kind of money, we'd rather spend it on a child - we'd considered adoption prior to TTC anyway.
Everyone I know tells me a story about someone they know that got pregnant as soon as they adopted (eyeroll).
I hope you take comfort in the good you've already brought to a child in need (I enjoyed following you story with LL), and continue to believe that the child that was meant to be your child will come into your life somehow.
Thank you SO much for your encouraging words, girlfrog2003!
DeleteI just came across your blog. My husband and I hit 4 years of unexplained infertility in June. Similar story of lots of tests and treatments. I like the part where you talk about not giving advice unless you truly get it. People say such unhelpful and painful things. God bless you guys as you continue to seek Him on His plans for you.
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