Day 2 of 1st Grade!

Our Little Lady has been with us for 6 days today. We're making a lot of progress in some areas, and we seem to be regressing in others. We have to prioritize what we're working on right now and what we decide can wait. 

LL's second day of school was today and she had another great day!! I hope tomorrow is good, too. She's made a few friends and we're hoping they live nearby so we can get her some friends in the neighborhood. 

LL is realizing how funny (and awesome) Bry is and I love watching them interact. At dinner, I watched her throw fairy dust on him and turn him into a "Ribbit-Rabbit-Robot-Frog!" He followed all of her commands and played along as a very compliant robot frog. 

After dinner, he surprised her with her very own recorder! I can't wait to watch them learn songs together. 

Sorry for the short post...I need some SLEEP!

Please be praying for LL this week - her first (supervised) visit with her parents is on Thursday and the initial hearing for her case is on Monday. 

Close your eyes. Follow me!

"Close your eyes!!! Follow me!!" she yelled as she ran down the stairs and grabbed my soapy hands. It took me over an hour to do the dishes because she wanted me to see what she was doing about 5 times tonight. 

I know this seems insignificant to most people, maybe even annoying to some, but this is a huge step for our Little Lady (LL!) She wanted me to help her set out her clothes. She wanted me to open the door for her. She wanted me to retrieve her water bottle from the toilet (okay, that one is understandable, and yes, it's true.) She wanted me to just be there and be with her. 

See, her first reaction is to do everything herself. Everything. The first night she was here, the timer went off on the microwave and she was the first one to get up from the table to get the corn. We told her she didn't need to get it and that we'd take care of it.  

I'm sure there were a lot of things she had to take care of herself only days ago. It's hard for me to fathom how much her life has changed in 5 days. 

She's opening up a little more each day and inviting us closer to her heart. This will look different with each stage of grief she'll suffer through, but for now it's taking on the form of LOUD noises - laughter, singing at the top of her lungs, or a favorite of hers right now - grabbing both of my arms and making a grunting noise, eyes open wide. We'll need to invest in squeeze toys soon because my biceps will only be able to bear her grip for so long! 

I wish I could rewire her precious 7-year-old brain and erase all of the memories of her fending for herself and always doing without. If I think about it for too long, I find myself becoming angry about all of the heartache she's had to endure and all of the experiences that have led to her feeling like she had to do something herself if it was going to get done. 

Will she ever know what it means to be a kid and just be? Will she get to a place where she can play with her Barbies in the bathtub, make up a story line for them, and not ask me why she can't be with her mom right now? Will she be able to go to school and not have to worry about kids (or teachers) asking about why she's starting so late in the year or why she's staying with us? 

I pray that she will someday hear the still, soft voice of Jesus asking her to do the same. Close your eyes, follow me! You can trust me. I've got you. Search me and know my heart. I am enough for YOU. You've carried your own weight for long enough. I've got it from here, sweetie. Lean on me and find true rest. 

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On a lighter note, today was the first day of first grade for LL. When we first started talking about school on Thursday/Friday, she made it very clear that she did NOT want to go to school. But, when we learned the mascot was the huskies, we jumped all over it and hyped her up! Every time we drove past the school, we'd wave and yell, "Bye, Huskies! I'll see you on Monday!" Then we'd wave at the building like crazy people. She caught on and quickly fell in love with the idea of becoming a husky herself, and ultimately, accepting that she'd be going to a new school. 

Brian, being the incredible, thoughtful father that he is, not only drove around to find a Husky stuffed animal, but he thought of the best way to surprise her with it. You can see in the pic below - Husky was strapped into her booster seat, anxiously awaiting the screams and giggles from a happy 7-yr-old little girl. We explained that Husky would need to stay in her backpack, but he'd be with her all day while we couldn't be there and he'd be watching over her. 

The next surprise came at pick-up time when Ms. Lucy Lou met her in the carpool line. LL was SO excited to see her that she almost ran into our moving truck. She was determined to hug and kiss on Lucy the second she saw her. I've never seen a kiddo hug a dog harder than she hugged my bear! 

LL's quotes:

- "The paparazzi are coming through!" (She's all into taking photos with my point-and-shoot camera!)

- Me: I hope you aren't splashing water on the floor in there!

Her: I'm not.....my doll is. 

Oasis

Post from Brian...

Thursday afternoon, we knew there was a chance that we could receive a little lady into our home. CPS was going to call later that evening, so I knew we had some time to clean and grab some child-appropriate groceries (i.e.- food we probably should be eating every day but have to now that a child is watching everything). I was at Wal-Mart, and I probably appeared to be a maniac on a timed shopping spree of fruits, vegetables, and Lunchables (don't judge).

After checking out, I drove by the front of our house on the way to our alley garage and saw two plain-looking vehicles parked in front of our house. I realized that it was actually happening and that they were probably already at the house. My heart rate jumped a bit as I made my way down the alley. I was  thrilled at the thought of being able to help a girl, loved that my wife would be able to pour her heart into a four-footer, and was hopeful that everything would work out in the long run (whether that ended up being reunification, which is always the goal, or adoption). I jumped out of my Xterra, grabbed the groceries (in one handful...because I am a MAN!), walked up to the door--and froze.

With my faded guitar-shaped house key in hand, half an inch from the keyhole, I froze. And I stood there. In the last eight months of this journey, we have prepared for this moment (and have been documenting everything on this blog). I have spent all my energy thinking about how to be a great foster parent or how to help a child...but I had never thought about what I'm supposed to say to this little girl the first time I see her. The one that spent the night with her parents last night. The one that was pulled away from her family, taking only the clothes on her back. The one that spent 10 hours being interviewed by the police and CPS and the foster agency, and the one that was shuffled between three different counties between breakfast and dinner. Do I smile? Wait, no. That would make her think I'm glad she was ripped from the vice grip of her mother or father before the police could separate them. Do I show her that I'm sorry? No, she feels sad enough for the both of us. 

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Over the last four days, we have done a lot to acclimate our Little Lady to our home. It's not her permanent home (that we know of), and she doesn't yet understand the gravity of what being in foster care means. In these last few days, I have constantly been assaulted by a barrage of emotions that span a cycle of accomplishment, inadequacy, compassion, frustration, patience, and joy...sometimes within a five-minute period. But most of all, I feel heartache. And it's exhausting to feel heartache all day long. My heart aches knowing that she isn't yet aware of how serious everything around her has recently become. My heart aches that she didn't realize that there was a different way for a family to live. My heart aches knowing that she's away from her family. But most of all, my heart aches knowing that I don't know what is yet to come. Will they prioritize other things over their beautiful daughter?  Will her family get better because they love her and so she can go home? I hope so. But if I'm being really honest, maybe I sometimes hope they won't. All day (for every day we have had her), I see half-second glimpses--flashes of her turning back to look at me when she's in her 20s and I have grey hair. I see flashes of her getting into her first car, I see her at her wedding giving me a bear hug and telling me that she loves me. But then, the mini-video stops abruptly--because I shut it off.  By choice, I stop every thought where my family has a future with Little Lady.  Then, I spend the next ten seconds blotting out that future vision like you do when those terrible, heartbreaking memories from your earlier days resurface in a moment of insecurity. I know that if I don't interrupt those beautiful, magical moments in my mind right now, they will blossom into hope, and I will never forgive myself when we have to give her up a month from now. Or a year from now. Or...a day from now. I can't bear the thought of allowing myself to have a future with our Little Lady if it won't happen or might not happen. 

I also realize that just as I am aborting those fantasies of our perfect life with each other 10 years from now, so is she. She could be thinking about what life might be like in our home 10 years from now, and it's possible that she either feels so guilty for imagining it, or she feels so afraid it won't happen that she shuts it out of her mind. Maybe she doesn't open up because she's afraid of what could happen if she opens up...perhaps she can't bear the thought of allowing herself to have a future with our family if it won't happen or might not happen.

I wish there wasn't a need for foster care. This fostering thing is hard. It probably won't get easier, and I'm not sure it would be a good thing if it DID get easier for us. 

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When I opened that door, I smiled, and she smiled back. It turns out that there's always room for a friendly smile, and even when our hearts are filled with heavy grief, the heart recognizes the need for an oasis. That's what we will be for our little lady--an oasis. Whether she is passing through our oasis to continue her long journey through the vast desert, or she stays: I will be here to help.

Day 4 with our Little Lady

We had about 5 almost-meltdowns today. We're starting to learn what triggers them and how to deal with each issue, or how to at least distract her from diving head-first into a full-on tantrum. Her hair almost became an issue this morning, but we anticipated it (because of what happened yesterday) and we talked about it before I started styling it. Voila! It only took 10 minutes!!! This was a huge accomplishment, since it took two hours yesterday. We told her how proud we were that she trusted me enough to do her hair and that she stayed patient with me the whole time. 

We're learning to set very clear expectations BEFORE walking into a store or before transitioning to the next activity. We'd rather have the fight in the car than argue about something in Walmart. She seems to be fairly compliant if she knows the expectations beforehand. 

Signs that we're becoming parents:

- Carrying two hair things on my wrist instead of one, in case her hair gets in her way. 

- Kids' church pick-up stickers, as LL calls them. 

- Checking on her 4 times during Kids' church. 

- Stocking up on school supplies to get ready for her first day tomorrow! (Thanks for the Visa gift cards, Lea/Travis/Hudson and the Shackelford crew!)

LL's quotes:

- "Once I got coal for Christmas." (Brian and I look at each other with sad faces.) "It's ok, it was gum!" (Oh, good.)

- I love goats. 

(I'm sure there were more, but that's all I can remember right now...already losing my memory!)

All dressed up and ready for church! 

You can tell a little girl is moving in. I love all the pink stuff that has recently found a home in our house! 

A pink, flowy dress, an umbrella, and rain puddles. This girl is happy! 

LL's new bedding and new night light. She's obsessed with this light! 

Let's see if I can win the clothes battle two days in a row! 

LL's backpack, school supplies, and lunch are all ready for her first day tomorrow (including a secret note from Bry and me!)

Are you gonna adopt her?

It only took about 50 hours for someone to ask me this question. In front of the Little Lady. In line at Target. LL (as I may refer to her from now on, just because it's hard to type so many letters) has a way of letting people know she's in foster care. And by "a way," I mean she pretty much just comes out and says it. It only takes a brief introduction and 2.5 awkward moments of silence before she busts out with her announcement. 

It was hard to respond, as you can probably imagine. I mumbled my way through something like, "We don't really know. We take it one day at a time." LL had her own comment, "No, she's not going to adopt me." Thanks a lot, lady, for rushing a conversation we didn't even plan on having for like a YEAR!

I know I shouldn't be upset because she must not really understand foster care or how inappropriate it was to ask us that question, but it's hard not to. 

We debriefed with LL over dinner during our highs/lows. We talked about how much we care about her and how we'll take care of her as long as we can. We also told her that she doesn't have to tell anyone about her story, unless they're someone who we tell her is a safe person to talk to about her family (such as her attorney, whom she met this afternoon.) 

We had another jam-packed, fun-filled day. Oh, well, I guess it was fun after the two hour tantrum/meltdown we endured this morning. LL was frustrated with her hair, began crying uncontrollably, and it took a long time to bring her out of the meltdown. We realized that she hadn't cried about being torn away from her family since she got here. We sat next to her on her bedroom floor as she cried there, we moved to the bathroom floor when she crumbled into a ball there, then on to the living room floor when she lost it again, and so on for several hours. It was so heartbreaking to watch. She was pretty exhausted when she came out of it, we hugged, and moved on with our day. 

We went to Kennedi's 3-year-old birthday party, played with Lucy, met the neighbor when we threw Lucy's ball over the fence, had a shopping spree at Target with all of the gift cards from our amazing friends and family (THANK YOU!!), ate dinner, and flew through the bedtime routine! 

Bedtime is going much better than our first night together. It's quickly becoming my favorite time of the day with LL. I wish I could box up her smell after a bath, along with the sound of Bry's guitar playing softly, the feeling of her comforter next to me as we read a book or the three hugs she requested before falling asleep, and the taste or Mr. Bubbles when she splashes me while I wash her hair. It seems unfair that out of all of the five senses, the only things I can capture are the ones I can see. So for now, I'll just keep snapping away and taking photos until my iPhone says it's full because they may be all I have of her someday. 

Favorite LL quotes/moments from today:

- "This was the best night EVER!"

- "See, I knew they'd have that here. That's why they call it SUPER Target."

We've got a serious climber on our hands! 

Shopping for a gift for Ms. Kennedi! 

Is it just me, or are baby dolls creepily looking more and more like actual babies every year? 

Jumping in the jump house at Kennedi's 3rd birthday! 

Jump house slide. 

Dance party in the living room! 

You've probably noticed that she's been wearing the same, or similar clothes the last two days. Not anymore! I finally won the clothes battle (for now!!) Here's her outfit for church tomorrow, designed by yours truly. I don't think I won the shoe fight, though. She insists that black matches with anything. 

I'm going to be something incredible someday. Yes, yes you are, little one!

Day 2 with the Little Lady included enrolling in school, more playdough time, HOURS of play with Lucy Lou, lunch with Bry's mom, a trip to the dog park and the people park, Frozen, dinner, and a (lame) attempt at a bedtime routine. 

Some of my favorite Little Lady quotes today:

- There are too many country things in here. Even the smell of good, good leather. 

- They sure do make some delicious gravy here. 

- Three babies are running away from me. 

- I'll probably be here for more than two more days. And I'm ok with that. 

- I'm going to be something incredible someday. 

- The Scottish people invented lots of things - like sheep stomachs. 

We've learned that she loves to climb and jump (not the best combination). She loves rolling in dirt and climbing trees just as much as drinking out of my pink, sparkly, rhinestone-studded mug. Just the perfect combination between fancy girly girl and tomboy! And she looooves swimming...she is itching to get into a pool. Come on, summer!!

Things I'm already bad at:

1. Bedtime routine (please help!)

2. Answering texts and emails (please forgive me and know that I am reading all of your encouraging messages, but I might be slooooowww to respond for a few days!)

3. Knowing how much to feed a child (she has an impressive appetite.) 

4. Getting playdough out of the carpet (oops!)

5. Finding music that 8 year old girls like (beyond the Frozen soundtrack.)

6. Chasing after a child on a bike in Walmart (don't judge.) 

7. Convincing a little girl to wear clothes that A. match and B. actually fit. (See above - I won't judge you if you don't judge me!)

Day 1 with our Little Lady

About 9 hours ago, we got the call (call #7) that will inevitably change everything for, what will most likely be, the next 6-18 months of our lives. 

As you may have read in my last post, we started to seriously lower our expectations with each placement call we received. So, when I heard the agency rep talking about a 7-year old girl who was in need of placement tonight, I was hopeful, but cautious. We accepted the placement and then waited to hear back from him. About an hour later, I heard the phrase, "CPS has selected you for placement," stream through the phone. The next few hours are already a little blurry. 

I remember driving home. I remember flying through the kitchen - throwing dishes in the dishwasher and cleaning moving stacks of mail. I remember Brian leaving to pick up groceries so we'd have more food in the house than candy. 

I waited for what seemed like forever to hear from CPS. With every minute that passed, it felt like our chance of receiving the placement was slipping further and further from reality. I thought we'd receive a phone call, but instead, I happened to see a car park in front of our house, and then I knew. 

I wish I was making this up, but what happened next was almost EXACTLY like I'd watched play out in movies and on TV. The CPS case worker even had cardboard filing boxes lined up in the back of her car, just like I had envisioned.

Another car pulled up after her and I watched the social worker and our Little Lady walk out of their car (and into our lives), holding one bag filled with some clothes and a clown puppet hanging by a few strings. The first words she said to me were, "I'll only be here for two days, right?" (Within a few hours of being here, she asked if she could stay till she was 13. Why 13, you ask? Oh, apparently that's when she's going to college...so she says.) :)

The next part is definitely a blur.

For the next two hours, we signed about a billion forms (and 3 copies of each.) The Little Lady played with her doll next to us while we learned more about her situation and what our role is in her life. I could see her trying to place us in her eyes. Where do we fit in her little world? Only time will tell.

Within the first few hours of being a parent, I was already having to tell this precious child that no, sorry, we can't buy a teeny tiny bikini even if every other girl she knows has one. And no, we actually don't need to buy a bra today. :) Things are moving pretty quickly around here.

Just to recap a few of the things we heard today, here are a few of her quotes. Enjoy!

• Yeah, it's been a long day. A weird, long day.
• The Google lady is smarter than Siri.
• Cherry chapstick makes you smell like fruit.
• I'm going to put socks in my purse just in case. 
• I'm from the country. Nothing hurts. 

I'm laying below her right now in the bottom bunk. I promised her I'd stay here till she fell asleep. I haven't peed since 1:00 this afternoon and I've only eaten two bites of chicken, but I wouldn't trade it for anything else right now.

I'm listening to her breathe in deeply.

She sounds peaceful. And safe.

And home.

Please excuse Bry's strange, deformed head. Oh, and the large smiley face blocking this beautiful girl's smile! Sorry - we aren't allowed to share her name or photos. :( (How is a photographer supposed to survive without being able to post photos!??!?!? Oh well, it's a small price to pay!)

Before we even have 24 hours to be parents, we'll be enrolling her in classes to begin 1st grade on Monday. Most people would have about as long as it takes to pay off a nice car before they send their little one off to school.

We have minutes.

The difference between call #1 and call #6

Call #1....

• Jump out of bed immediately
• Clean the whole house in 12 and a half minutes
• Yes, the baseboards, too
• Call everyone we know 
• Call doggie day care to setup babysitting for a few days

Call #6....

• Continue laying on the couch
• Leave the dishes in the sink
• Who even looks at the baseboards?
• Text our immediate family to let them know there's a small chance the placement will work out
• Play fetch with the dog

We got our fifth call last night and our sixth call this morning...we've quickly learned to lower our expectations and just wait, and wait, and wait to see what happens. We've started a new tradition - every time we get a call and it doesn't work out, we go on a date, cause who knows - it could be our last!

But it's pretty unlikely. :)